god.

i fucking love you, Nelson Mandela

"The greatest glory in living lies not in never falling, but in rising every time we fall." -Nelson Mandela

you&me

i wish your perspective of me was as accurate as my perspective of you.

i wish i can understand you a little bit better.

i wish i can get to know you a little bit better.

you don't have to open up more, i'd just have to take what i can get and understand it better.

but a little understanding isn't too much to ask, is it? just see me for me and don't think you know me when you are so wrong about me.

hey you,

if it seems like i'm writing a blog post directed to you:

1. you're vain as hell

and

2. it is about you. so do something bout it.

post number 5

wow. i don't even know why i'm so emo. tonight was an amazing day and night.

no more soda after 10 for me. o.o

post number 4

wow. bloggin' juices just flowin' tonight aren't they? lol

but.

something i absolutely refuse to believe.

with my every being.

is that someone can fall so low, so fast.

i've seen it. i've seen people i have a lot of respect for fall to a place where i cannot even believe that they were the same person.

i refuse to believe this, because i refuse that someone as competent as that, someone as amazing as that can fall so far. and so fast.

the strongest person i know suddenly becomes the weakest. the smartest person i know suddenly becomes the dumbest. the person that i could always rely on suddenly becomes the one that relies most on me.

i wouldn't mind at all, had this been a gradual change. i wouldn't mind at all had i seen any bit of hope left in this person.

it seems like this person has died. and reincarnated into a being so unlike who they used to be. and right in front of my eyes. it happens so quickly i cannot grasp it. it happens so quickly i don't have the time to believe it just happened.

and the saddest part is...i'm not sure if they can recover.

i don't know if the person i used to respect so much can ever come back. and i don't know if i can love this new person. no matter how much i try, unless they change - they don't even have to change back, just change who they are now. but even then i'm not sure.

like i said. it's not even gradual.

it took just one, just one, traumatic event to change this person.

just one.

and not one that you suffered alone either. we all suffered. it affected us all.

but it seems like you're the only one still bothered by it.

we have all moved on. why haven't you?

it's not just us. countless others have suffered the same exact pain. the same exact situation.

and they were able to continue.

why is it eating only you up? why can't you let go?

by holding onto it, you're not giving yourself a chance to look forward, you're not giving yourself a chance to live again.

it kills me to see someone that used to be normal, deteriorate into this incompetent, stupid, worthless piece of dirt.

and it kills me even more that i can't help you.

it kills me that by offering you help, i risk just adding to your dependency. it kills me to not help you, but it hurts me even more knowing that by helping you directly, i'm indirectly killing your soul.

(ok, one should not listen to sad songs when blogging sad thoughts. totally not the same as with angry blogs where angry music fuels the passion. sad music just drains the heart.)

i really don't know what i can do. i can't leave you by yourself. but i can't give you another excuse to not help yourself.

i don't know what to do.

i can't focus on myself because you are a part of me. i am not helping myself by leaving you because by leaving you would be leaving a huge part of myself behind.

it's a slippery slope. but i'll do what i can to help you up. all i can do is throw you rope, you will have to pull yourself up. if i throw you a rope and you slip, all i can do is hold onto that rope with all of my strength. even if i pull the rope, you won't get anywhere unless you walk on your own two feet.

if this ever happens to me, if i struggle, fall and crash. i want abandonment.

i want loneliness.

because i cannot stand to be alone.

so if i was to be left all alone, i'd be forced to seek help. i'd be forced to admit that i have sunk this low, i'd be forced to see how much shit i really am in.

so that i'll see your rope, but also see that i have to pull myself up instead of having you pull me up.

i don't know what i'm going to do. i'm just going to live life. i'm going to offer my support. but if you fall, crash and burn...i can only stand by and watch.

unless you want me to fall, crash and burn with you so you won't be lonesome.

a sacrifice i'm willing to make so that i can free you from your own isolation.

third post tonight

wheeeewwww.

but.

it's so amazing how you can sound so right...but one sentence can make you sound just soooooo wrong.

you can analyze one so right but be absolutely so wrong in another.

it's amazing how you can make me feel like "yeah, this makes sense, this sounds right" but the next second make me think "no...this is so, so wrong"

but i guess you can't always be fully right.

empathy and sympathy

yes. another blog post. but melissa maily xiong's status inspired it so now i must rant.

her status goes: "dont tell me its okay when you havnt gone through it and you dont know how it feels."

so. i've been hearing this a lot. and by a lot of different people. and...coming from the perspective where a lot of people come to me for comfort, i tend to say "it's going to be ok" a lot. because guess what? it will be fucking ok. you may be struggling now, it may hurt a lot now, but in the end, life goes on, and if you can't go with the flow...maybe life for you shouldn't go on anymore. sounds horrible, but it's the truth.

and another thing, what i hear when people say this is that they are wishing this pain, and this horrible situation upon someone else. and that's unforgivable. "you don't know how much pain i'm in until you go through it then you'll see that nothing is going to be ok" it really sounds like..."i hope you go through this yourself so you can feel the pain i am feeling." you may not mean it like that. but that's what i'm hearing. there are things that people do not and cannot understand, and you have to understand that sometimes when you cannot understand your friends' pain, but you simply know that they are in pain. you don't know how to help them out but you want to help them out. you don't know what to say, but you want to say something.

does pain need a predecessor in order for there to be healing? does someone have to understand your pain in order for you to talk to them about it? you don't need someone to guide you through how to get through the pain, you sometimes just need someone there. open your eyes and just see the support that they have for you. if they didn't love you, they wouldn't give a damn enough to even listen to you bitch and moan about your life, so stop being such a dumbass and appreciate a friend sometimes.

uppercut

for those of you who dunno. an uppercut is a punch thrown to hit the chin from below.

here's a picture for ya: click

but it surprises me how narrow minded some people can be. they only compete with number one. they don't consider anyone else competition except the one that's "the best."

first of all, people who think this must be very arrogant because they feel that they are up to par with the proclaimed "best" of whatever competition it is.

and second of all, this is a suck ass strategy because they don't even consider anyone else as fair competition. who knows what you're up against then?

i titled this uppercut because sometimes you're so focused on attacking one point that sometimes you forget to defend yourself from the other arm, the theorized "weaker" arm and then that's when you let your guard down and get knocked out by something you didn't expect. you're so focused on what's going on with the right hand that you aren't aware of the dangers that the left hand poses.

same goes to competitions. you're so focused on one competitor that someone you don't even expect might just sneak up and beat the both of you. bust a ninja on yo asses.

lemme tell you this, there's no greater threat than new blood. you're not experienced with their style, they might do something that you wouldn't even consider and you might not have a strategy to save yourself from it. don't ever undermine rookies, they might get lucky, or they might be naturally good at it; but just because they can't understand it the first time, doesn't mean that they can't beat you the second or even the tenth time.

moral of the story: never let your guard down. to anybody. (in competitive situations of course :D)

maybe...

i'm a little bit more annoyed and bothered by it than i'm willing to admit or show...

bah!

i miss my babies!! i want a babyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy

and a puppy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

and a kitty!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

and a couple elephants!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

and a tiger!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

tsis nyiam zoo

i used to hate it whenever my mom would say that about me, but now i can see that there are some people that just don't know quality even when it's right there in front of their face.

i guess this issue comes up the most around food. my mom is an amazing cook, she doesn't give a damn about nutritional value or salt content, the only thing that matters for her is flava flava flava. so growing up, i grew up eating food full of flava flava flava. meaning that each meal is full of fresh fresh herbs, lots and lots of spices and without a lot of ingredients (usually just a protein and a couple veggies with some rice on the side).

and not only does the food taste good, but it looks good. my mommy didn't have to plate every dish but she did make me aware of giving food an aesthetic to it.

but it's all amazingly simple. my mom never spent longer than a hour and a half cooking dinner and she usually had about three entrees enough to feed about ten people, and it got even faster once me and my sisters started helping out.

so it really surprises me, as well as offends me, when people say "it's all the same to me" because it's NOT. some people take shortcuts and leave out some details and claim that it's "all the same" then waste time on something completely insignificant then the dish just tastes...empty. a lot of tricks don't even take that much time and they make a world of difference.

one thing that i remembered was when my sister and sister in law wanted to make koh poon and for some odd reason they wanted to use rotisserie chicken instead of just boiling up a raw chicken. you'd think that it'll taste better since the rotisserie chicken has all of the basting and seasonings on it but sometimes simplicity tastes so much better. now buying an already made chicken means that it cuts cooking time...and that's pretty much it. what doing that did to the whole dish was make it greasier, the extra seasonings didn't go well with the dish in itself and gave it a horrible aftertaste and the texture of the chicken was..slimeyer (? that a word??) than usual.

so even taking a simple shortcut can ruin a whole dish, sometimes you just gotta just deal with the little things like cooking a chicken.

but what annoys the SHIT outta me is when people focus so much on like a worthless detail instead of something IMPORTANT like the variety of garnishes available, they focus on something completely insignificant like how big the pieces of minced garlic is. the pieces of garlic are so FUCKING LITTLE that NO ONE is going to notice or give a damn! and it's fucking MINCED already! it doesn't fucking matter! no one's gonna eat it and take a bite of garlic because everything else in the dish is so much bigger than the minced garlic!

lead by example

i hate when people need to be lead by example.

a couple years ago, i finally understood the phrase "do as i say, not as i do" because people aren't perfect, especially teachers. but that doesn't mean that you shouldn't listen to what they say.

and if you have such a big problem with people not following their own advice, then say their advice right back to them. sometimes it's easier when someone else tells you what to do than figuring out what to do yourself.

when people stop listening to someone simply because they cannot "practice what they preach," it really bothers me. just because they don't follow their good advice doesn't mean you shouldn't follow their good advice, if they're too dumb to realize the wisdom of their words then you shouldn't lower yourself to their level and not follow their advice.

you can lose a lot of respect for someone as a human being, but always always always listen because you never know when someone you absolutely despise might say something that could change your life in a positive way.

ain't nothing wrong with me

so i dunno where you're getting all of this attitude, so you better take a good look at yourself because you're the only one having a problem with me. and you know it. take a good look at the situation and i think you'll come to realize that the problem isn't me, it's you.

i'm sorry.

but i think i hate pop music. i've changed and we don't go together like we used to. =[

however, i'll still listen to my childhood loves (bsb :D)

chargers!

what will i do without them??

seriously. i answered this question. and the answer is: i will get lost.

so. i lost my phone charger (dun ask how.)

then peter dies because the charger committed suicide.

so. no laptop, no usb port, no charging of darell.

so. peter dies. darell dies. i go to mai's house. i get lost.

=[

but guess what?? zong gave me the charger to her old curve and my new charger for peter came in the other day! yay!!!!

charger's galore!!