return to positivity!!!

hallo.

it's been a while since i've blogged. which is funny, because i actually do think about blogging everyday. it's therapeutic and it makes me happy.

speaking about happiness, a lot of people that know me would consider me to be a happy person. people who really know me would consider me to be rather bi-polar and moody, but over all a cheery person.

and you know what, i'm actually not.

i have to work really hard every single day to be happy. i feel that my natural state is actually rather angry and depressed.

but i am happy because i choose to be happy. i work hard to be happy. i choose to see the silver lining, i choose to look on the bright side and i try extremely hard to be positive.

and honestly, i really am happier by doing it. i remember this was a really conscious decision i made back in middle school! (imagine me, a middle schooler thinking like this. ai yi yi) i remember that there were a lot of things i was just angry with. i was angry with the entitlement i saw, i was angry with the ignorance and stupidity that surrounded me, i was angry at the fake sense of community and shallow friendships. i was a really angry bird. and it showed, the teachers didn't really do anything about it, other than get me in trouble, but i'm sure they could tell that something was up. i guess i took things really personally, i couldn't understand why the world simply couldn't be more compassionate and understanding and open.

and then i found gandhi.

"be the change you want to see in the world" it's the most cliche, overused quote seen EVERYWHERE. but it spoke to me on a deep level. it didn't make me want to go and march, or start a revolution, or free a peoples. but it did make me think about my perspective of the world. i had become a negative in a negative world. my anger and my frustration did not help the world in any which way. my 12 year old self made a promise to myself that if the world lacked compassion, i would be compassionate. if the world lacked inclusiveness, i will be open and understanding. if the world lacked love, i will open my heart and respect everyone.

it wasn't easy. my own sister asked me a few weeks ago if i would love to not...think so much.

and honestly.

i wouldn't give it up for the world.

but there are times which i did wish i could just shut my brain off. and when i reflect on those times...i am truly glad that i am the way that i am. i'm glad i didn't shut my brain off. i'm glad i think and over think everything.

i know i over think situations, i know i linger on "small" issues. but i really would not have it any other way. i love questioning everything. i love tearing every little thing into pieces and digesting it. i love understanding. and i can't do that if i do not think.

"ignorance is bliss" and that is true. the less you know about the evils of mankind, the dangers of nature, the evil that will always exist, chances are, you will be happy.

but honestly, the truth is, the universe is in balance. all the time. when you look at a picture larger than yourself, larger than mankind, larger than life on earth, and even larger than the milky way, it starts to become clear that...we are so insignificant. in the greatest scheme of things, we are so insignificant.

but that shouldn't make us feel small. in fact it should make us feel free. people feel that everything is so limited. that time is limited, love is limited, kindness is limited. and it really isn't. it doesn't matter what we do! so we should do what we can to make ourselves and the people around us as happy as we can. and if making yourself or your loved ones happy means marching for human rights or simply going to your 9-5 job every single day, do it! you are not more insignificant or more significant than the next person. we all don't matter, and in that way, we all do matter.

i still wake up everyday pissed off. i seriously do. i do not wake up with a smile, sometimes at night i wish i don't wake up at all. but when i do wake up, i accept my fate and choose to live my life with happiness. and that, to me, doesn't mean hiding myself from the truth. my happiness comes from trying my best to understand the Truth.

dead.

in the words of angela harvey "if something isn't growing, it's dead" well, i guess i'm dead then. my career is dead. my motivation is dead. my passion is dead. my knowledge, my hard work, everything that i've invested my heart and soul into for the last five years is dead.

just cut your losses and scrap it up, right? just going to start from square one. fucked up so bad that there's no saving it anymore. fuck it. fuck it all. fuck everything and everyone. just. fuck. 

most epic divorce letter ever?

best divorce letter ever?


i stumbled upon this fairly positive, feel-good and genuinely heartwarming site that contained stories about an 8 year old boy coping with the loss of his dog, a young girl with down syndrome achieving her dream of being a model and then...this.

i'm not even sure where to begin.

let's just begin with the fact that i think this entire thing is FAKE. yes, i am a skeptic and i believe about like 90% of the interwebs is FAKE! i usually don't care, and i usually don't look too deep into something unless i get the random drive to.

but that is besides the point in this case.
i say that because it doesn't matter if this is a real letter about a real couple from a real man to his real soon-to-be-ex-wife. what matters is the fact that this ideology behind this letter exists. people may never put it in these terms, but there are plenty of people who take break ups in this way. bitter, spiteful, and ultimately, unhealthy.

of course, being that i think this is fake, i tried to not take it literally. i took it as almost a satire and attempted to read it through that lens, whether or not i am correct, that is the perspective i choose to look through (maybe it's also because i'm a hopeless optimist)

i mean, for god's sake, he titled his own letter "best divorce letter ever"

and when you look at it through the lens of a satire, i do find that it is rather hilarious! because of the sarcastic  and matter-of-fact tone that this letter embodies. there were some parts where it grossed me out a little, but i think that just added to the shock factor, which made it even more funny.

but here's where i'm concerned....

there are people out there in the world, who are naive enough to believe this is REAL. i mean, if people are willing to read the onion as a legitimate news source, i'm pretty sure there are some people out there who believe that "dan" really wrote this to "connie"

as a matter of fact, there are even people on reddit, an internet community that i greatly respect by the way, who think this is real! and reddit is the embodiment of satirical internet humor! http://www.reddit.com/r/funny/comments/14w45y/hands_down_best_divorce_letter_ever_tldr_inside/
quite a sad day for the interwebs....

but this goes to show! that there are people out there who not only think that this is real, but are OKAY with it and WORSHIP this kind of stuff!

this is where i have a problem. it's one of those things where, it's funny because it isn't real; but if it is, it's the most fucked up thing in the world (and yes, i'm going to hell for laughing at it)

i'm not about to tell anyone how to go about recovering from a loss of a relationship, no matter what kind of relationship it was; good, bad, healthy, toxic, even if it was a friendship or a family member, it really sucks to lose someone, especially when it is someone that you thought would be a significant and positive part of your life forever.

shit's about to get real y'all. get ready.

we all know that feeling after we have lost someone; that feeling of inadequacy, like we weren't good enough, or that we didn't try hard enough to maintain that relationship. and the part that they played in our lives is now empty, a large part of our identity as a friend, a lover, an extension of someone else is now gone, we have to completely rediscover ourselves. even the most confident and self-loving individual goes through this through losing a significant other, and if you don't, obviously, you didn't love them enough. because when you truly love someone, they become a part of your life, a major part of your life, your identity, your being. and for that to go away, suddenly or slowly, leaves you alone and confused. of course, that confusion becomes bitterness and anger and all sorts of nastiness.

but the turning point is how you rebound or recover from that point.

honestly, i am not a big fan of the whole "i'm newly single so i'm going to fuck everything that moves, drink anything that's alcoholic and party like i'm some college freshman again!"

 all i see/hear is: "my brand new self-destructive views of life are completely independent of the fact that the most important person in my life no longer needs me as a part of theirs. i'm totally not insecure and avoiding to deal with the issue of inadequacy, insecurity and vulnerability. i'm such a new, reborn person. i'm so empowered and i'm all about myself and this is all for meeee!!"

i hope yall hear the sarcasm.

trust me. i get it. when you are so low in the dumps, it really is a MASSIVE and HEALTHY ego-boost for someone to hit on you, or compliment you, or for you to just let loose and let go of all the tension in your life and just shut everything out and enjoy it for a while.

for. a. while.

when it gets to be unhealthy is when you don't progress onto the next step of recovery, and that is rebuilding your identity by yourself and believing in your love for yourself again.

and honestly, don't feel that you have to be all "ALL MY SINGLE LADIES!!" just because you had one of the most devastating break ups of your life. maybe it's more beneficial for you to go all emo-teen mode and just cry and watch romcoms all day while ingesting dangerous amounts of ice cream and cookie dough.

what i'm trying to say is: do what you gotta do. but it HAS to be a means to an end, not a means to end YOURSELF. maybe writing a fake letter and posting it on the internet is helpful, maybe blogging, maybe writing songs, do what you gotta do and then get over that part of your recovery and focus on the big picture which is the AWESOMENESS that is YOU! and don't let your emotions get the best of you either, get crazy, but really don't do anything that will make you regret it in the morning, in two weeks, in three years, ever. and DO look that far ahead, sometimes the best way to get through a situation is to see what you COULD become instead of where you are NOW. (god knows that's how i got through college...)