hallo.
it's been a while since i've blogged. which is funny, because i actually do think about blogging everyday. it's therapeutic and it makes me happy.
speaking about happiness, a lot of people that know me would consider me to be a happy person. people who really know me would consider me to be rather bi-polar and moody, but over all a cheery person.
and you know what, i'm actually not.
i have to work really hard every single day to be happy. i feel that my natural state is actually rather angry and depressed.
but i am happy because i choose to be happy. i work hard to be happy. i choose to see the silver lining, i choose to look on the bright side and i try extremely hard to be positive.
and honestly, i really am happier by doing it. i remember this was a really conscious decision i made back in middle school! (imagine me, a middle schooler thinking like this. ai yi yi) i remember that there were a lot of things i was just angry with. i was angry with the entitlement i saw, i was angry with the ignorance and stupidity that surrounded me, i was angry at the fake sense of community and shallow friendships. i was a really angry bird. and it showed, the teachers didn't really do anything about it, other than get me in trouble, but i'm sure they could tell that something was up. i guess i took things really personally, i couldn't understand why the world simply couldn't be more compassionate and understanding and open.
and then i found gandhi.
"be the change you want to see in the world" it's the most cliche, overused quote seen EVERYWHERE. but it spoke to me on a deep level. it didn't make me want to go and march, or start a revolution, or free a peoples. but it did make me think about my perspective of the world. i had become a negative in a negative world. my anger and my frustration did not help the world in any which way. my 12 year old self made a promise to myself that if the world lacked compassion, i would be compassionate. if the world lacked inclusiveness, i will be open and understanding. if the world lacked love, i will open my heart and respect everyone.
it wasn't easy. my own sister asked me a few weeks ago if i would love to not...think so much.
and honestly.
i wouldn't give it up for the world.
but there are times which i did wish i could just shut my brain off. and when i reflect on those times...i am truly glad that i am the way that i am. i'm glad i didn't shut my brain off. i'm glad i think and over think everything.
i know i over think situations, i know i linger on "small" issues. but i really would not have it any other way. i love questioning everything. i love tearing every little thing into pieces and digesting it. i love understanding. and i can't do that if i do not think.
"ignorance is bliss" and that is true. the less you know about the evils of mankind, the dangers of nature, the evil that will always exist, chances are, you will be happy.
but honestly, the truth is, the universe is in balance. all the time. when you look at a picture larger than yourself, larger than mankind, larger than life on earth, and even larger than the milky way, it starts to become clear that...we are so insignificant. in the greatest scheme of things, we are so insignificant.
but that shouldn't make us feel small. in fact it should make us feel free. people feel that everything is so limited. that time is limited, love is limited, kindness is limited. and it really isn't. it doesn't matter what we do! so we should do what we can to make ourselves and the people around us as happy as we can. and if making yourself or your loved ones happy means marching for human rights or simply going to your 9-5 job every single day, do it! you are not more insignificant or more significant than the next person. we all don't matter, and in that way, we all do matter.
i still wake up everyday pissed off. i seriously do. i do not wake up with a smile, sometimes at night i wish i don't wake up at all. but when i do wake up, i accept my fate and choose to live my life with happiness. and that, to me, doesn't mean hiding myself from the truth. my happiness comes from trying my best to understand the Truth.
it's been a while since i've blogged. which is funny, because i actually do think about blogging everyday. it's therapeutic and it makes me happy.
speaking about happiness, a lot of people that know me would consider me to be a happy person. people who really know me would consider me to be rather bi-polar and moody, but over all a cheery person.
and you know what, i'm actually not.
i have to work really hard every single day to be happy. i feel that my natural state is actually rather angry and depressed.
but i am happy because i choose to be happy. i work hard to be happy. i choose to see the silver lining, i choose to look on the bright side and i try extremely hard to be positive.
and honestly, i really am happier by doing it. i remember this was a really conscious decision i made back in middle school! (imagine me, a middle schooler thinking like this. ai yi yi) i remember that there were a lot of things i was just angry with. i was angry with the entitlement i saw, i was angry with the ignorance and stupidity that surrounded me, i was angry at the fake sense of community and shallow friendships. i was a really angry bird. and it showed, the teachers didn't really do anything about it, other than get me in trouble, but i'm sure they could tell that something was up. i guess i took things really personally, i couldn't understand why the world simply couldn't be more compassionate and understanding and open.
and then i found gandhi.
"be the change you want to see in the world" it's the most cliche, overused quote seen EVERYWHERE. but it spoke to me on a deep level. it didn't make me want to go and march, or start a revolution, or free a peoples. but it did make me think about my perspective of the world. i had become a negative in a negative world. my anger and my frustration did not help the world in any which way. my 12 year old self made a promise to myself that if the world lacked compassion, i would be compassionate. if the world lacked inclusiveness, i will be open and understanding. if the world lacked love, i will open my heart and respect everyone.
it wasn't easy. my own sister asked me a few weeks ago if i would love to not...think so much.
and honestly.
i wouldn't give it up for the world.
but there are times which i did wish i could just shut my brain off. and when i reflect on those times...i am truly glad that i am the way that i am. i'm glad i didn't shut my brain off. i'm glad i think and over think everything.
i know i over think situations, i know i linger on "small" issues. but i really would not have it any other way. i love questioning everything. i love tearing every little thing into pieces and digesting it. i love understanding. and i can't do that if i do not think.
"ignorance is bliss" and that is true. the less you know about the evils of mankind, the dangers of nature, the evil that will always exist, chances are, you will be happy.
but honestly, the truth is, the universe is in balance. all the time. when you look at a picture larger than yourself, larger than mankind, larger than life on earth, and even larger than the milky way, it starts to become clear that...we are so insignificant. in the greatest scheme of things, we are so insignificant.
but that shouldn't make us feel small. in fact it should make us feel free. people feel that everything is so limited. that time is limited, love is limited, kindness is limited. and it really isn't. it doesn't matter what we do! so we should do what we can to make ourselves and the people around us as happy as we can. and if making yourself or your loved ones happy means marching for human rights or simply going to your 9-5 job every single day, do it! you are not more insignificant or more significant than the next person. we all don't matter, and in that way, we all do matter.
i still wake up everyday pissed off. i seriously do. i do not wake up with a smile, sometimes at night i wish i don't wake up at all. but when i do wake up, i accept my fate and choose to live my life with happiness. and that, to me, doesn't mean hiding myself from the truth. my happiness comes from trying my best to understand the Truth.
