it's still the first week of january so this still counts right?
i haven't been the biggest fan of new year resolutions, or any announcement of a major life change. i have always thought "if you're going to change, do it for yourself and then just stick with it"
but with age, i find that there are many different kinds of people. and there are people with extrovert tendencies that really find motivation and recommitment whenever they do announce their progress.
and i really do find that 2015 is a much more different year than all of my other 23 years have been.
maybe it's the baby, maybe it's getting married. i don't know. but whatever it is, it is definitely the year where i no longer give a fuck.
not that i've given up on life. no, that was definitely 2012-2014.
it's only been 5 days of 2015 and i've already become so much more productive than that. i've already grown so much.
and maybe it is motherhood, i'm not too sure. but i know now what it means to really focus on someone else besides myself. and it's beautiful.
i've always thought that i put my family first. they are one of my highest priorities and always the first people i consider when i make any decision. everything i do or even think about doing, i always consider how it will affect them and in what way. so in that sense, i considered myself to be pretty selfless, not completely selfless, but pretty darn selfless.
and i never realized how unhealthy it was until late 2014.
since i've moved back home in august, i have been so angry. i've had so many outbursts, i've been so stressed, i've been depressed. i have never in my entire life have felt so little and helpless and worthless.
and again, i was just so mad all the time.
i really think i've been mad since 2012. but the beauty is that i haven't lived at home. i have been able to focus on myself, better myself and just do me. and it was beautiful. as much as my family fueled my decisions and motivated my actions, they never actually directly affected me.
i was driven by the ideal i had of my family.
and it wasn't until i moved back home that i had to face the reality.
the reality that my family is broken. that we haven't been a single, supportive unit for a long time. that by the time i had come to realize why i was so angry all the time, my family had been so far degraded and deteriorated that it made me feel small and hopeless.
i felt that my entire support system had been built on a lie. i didn't realize how distant i had actually become from my real family, how much i've strayed from the people i have grown from and with.
i felt entirely alone. and i felt that i couldn't reach anyone anymore.
i still feel that way.
but, being the eternal optimist that i am, i tried to grow from this knowledge.
i'm 15 weeks pregnant.
in a couple weeks, i should start feeling the baby move around. "flutters" as they call it.
baby already has nails and hair.
i've babysat since i was a little girl. but lately i have been feeling like a mom. not a full blown mom. but a lot of the decisions i've made about things i eat, how much exercise i get, focusing on getting my life together, JUST BEING HAPPY.
all of those things are so much more important to me now because it's NOT about ME anymore.
i'm setting an example for someone to how they should live their life.
i'm showing someone to not stay in a job where they are unhappy, i'm showing someone to not keep people in their lives who are toxic, whether or not those people are related, whether or not you have known those people for a long time.
and most of all, this is for me, i want to check my self-righteousness.
this is a flaw i see in so many unhappy people around me. they are so quick to judge and criticize everyone around them but would not dare to take a real good look at themselves. and they are unhappy for it.
i'm never tired of being the bigger person, but i sure am tired of being everybody's punching bag. i'm tried of "understanding" all the time, i'm tired of making excuses for people to abuse me all the time. and i'm tired of feeling like i'm not good enough all the time. i'm tired of all the criticism that people think is "feedback". i'm tired of everyone thinking they know me through some flawed perspective that they have of me. i'm tired of proving myself and having to explain myself all the time to the people who are supposed to just get me. i'm really sick and tired of having to reintroduce myself and having to stand up for myself to the people who are supposed to be there for me and supposed to accept me.
something that i have always known, but never fully realized and never fully practiced until recently is to really cut out toxic people in your life. minimize their role, lower the volume of their voices and opinions and mostly, just get away from them. i really feel that even though i've hit a lot of lows during my time in college, the lowest low i've hit was when i went back home after i graduated.
even in my worst semesters, i've always mustered the energy to be like a phoenix and rise from the ashes. even when i felt the most inadequate, i always found the positivity to pick myself up from my bootstraps and be confident in myself again.
but when i went home, i was in an extremely dark place for a really long time. my real support system was no longer there, the family that i am not related to was no longer with me and the people i really looked to for joy was no longer just around the corner.
i really just didn't want to be around anyone. i wanted to shut everyone out and fix myself because i felt so broken.
i just wanted to be me again.
as cliche as it sounds, i just wanted to find myself again. i got so lost in being what everyone else needed me to be, doing what everyone else needed me to do, that i really did not do or be what i needed to for myself. i needed to be happy, i needed to do things to make me happy. and everything i was doing was not making me happy. in fact, i was sacrificing my happiness in hopes that i could siphon the happiness that i gave others.
but as jane austen once wrote "there are people, who the more you do for them, the less they will do for themselves" and i realized that the more i tried to make people happy, the less they tried to make THEMSELVES happy. they were so willing and so ready for me to just come in and take full responsibility for them. they were willing to give up their autonomy for the sake of not doing something, even if it was for themselves.
i'm surrounded by too many people who just take and take and take and expect to give little to nothing back. they feel too entitled to being taken care of because they have "done their part" and now it's their turn to get love in return. i'm tired of being around people who are so ready to victimize themselves and ready to just sit there and be saved that they will not even lift a finger even when it is to benefit them.
this gets to my new years resolution.
my new years resolution for 2015 is to not be afraid. i'm not going to be afraid to stand up for myself, i'm not going to be afraid to demand happiness, i'm not going to be afraid to be a bitch. if standing up for myself and making myself happy makes me a bitch, then by all means, i would much rather be a bitch than be a pushover.
i always hated the idea of burning bridges, but what is the point in keeping a cancer just because it used to be a part of you? i realize that i can never fully cut out many toxic people from my life permanently, but i am definitely not going to be afraid to take me and my family out of a situation where we will be scrutinized, criticized and judged. if that makes me a freak, well, i've been a freak my entire life and it's actually been pretty good for me.
i guess the world is so rare in kindness and acceptance that when you bring it to people, it scares them.
i know i can come off as confrontational and aggressive. intimidating even. but i'm not going to hide behind courtesy and modesty for the sake of "peace", if i'm here to seek out the truth then i'm going to tackle it head on. i have never been the type to stir up controversy for the sake of striking a low blow, i have never intentionally manipulated people or used people for my own personal gain and benefit. i know who i am and i am happy about who i am and what i have made for myself. i accept my flaws, and i accept that i can change myself to make my flaws a positive instead of a negative.
in 2015, i'm going to really learn how to shut out those voices that don't matter, i'm really going to work on listening to people who want the best for me instead of those who just want me to listen to them. in 2015, i'm not doing this for me anymore, i'm going to be leading an example of how to lead a happy life. and in order to do that, i need to be leading a happy life. and i don't care who you are, how i know you, how you are are related to me, how you think your presence in my life is going to affect me; if you are toxic, negative and overall unhealthy to me and my life, you are going to be GONE and i won't miss you one bit.
it's crazy how one little thing can really show you the larger picture.
