getting past the past

the more i reflect on what a piece of shit my education was...the more pissed off i get.

as an eternal optimist, i try to take what i can learn from the experience that i had. but still, it really irritated me that i even wasted my time and energy. 

new years resolution

it's still the first week of january so this still counts right?


i haven't been the biggest fan of new year resolutions, or any announcement of a major life change. i have always thought "if you're going to change, do it for yourself and then just stick with it"


but with age, i find that there are many different kinds of people. and there are people with extrovert tendencies that really find motivation and recommitment whenever they do announce their progress.

and i really do find that 2015 is a much more different year than all of my other 23 years have been.

maybe it's the baby, maybe it's getting married. i don't know. but whatever it is, it is definitely the year where i no longer give a fuck.

not that i've given up on life. no, that was definitely 2012-2014.

it's only been 5 days of 2015 and i've already become so much more productive than that. i've already grown so much.

and maybe it is motherhood, i'm not too sure. but i know now what it means to really focus on someone else besides myself. and it's beautiful.

i've always thought that i put my family first. they are one of my highest priorities and always the first people i consider when i make any decision. everything i do or even think about doing, i always consider how it will affect them and in what way. so in that sense, i considered myself to be pretty selfless, not completely selfless, but pretty darn selfless.

and i never realized how unhealthy it was until late 2014.

since i've moved back home in august, i have been so angry. i've had so many outbursts, i've been so stressed, i've been depressed. i have never in my entire life have felt so little and helpless and worthless.

and again, i was just so mad all the time.

i really think i've been mad since 2012. but the beauty is that i haven't lived at home. i have been able to focus on myself, better myself and just do me. and it was beautiful. as much as my family fueled my decisions and motivated my actions, they never actually directly affected me.

i was driven by the ideal i had of my family.

and it wasn't until i moved back home that i had to face the reality.

the reality that my family is broken. that we haven't been a single, supportive unit for a long time. that by the time i had come to realize why i was so angry all the time, my family had been so far degraded and deteriorated that it made me feel small and hopeless.

i felt that my entire support system had been built on a lie. i didn't realize how distant i had actually become from my real family, how much i've strayed from the people i have grown from and with.

i felt entirely alone. and i felt that i couldn't reach anyone anymore.

i still feel that way.

but, being the eternal optimist that i am, i tried to grow from this knowledge.



i'm 15 weeks pregnant.

in a couple weeks, i should start feeling the baby move around. "flutters" as they call it.

baby already has nails and hair.

i've babysat since i was a little girl. but lately i have been feeling like a mom. not a full blown mom. but a lot of the decisions i've made about things i eat, how much exercise i get, focusing on getting my life together, JUST BEING HAPPY.

all of those things are so much more important to me now because it's NOT about ME anymore.

i'm setting an example for someone to how they should live their life.

i'm showing someone to not stay in a job where they are unhappy, i'm showing someone to not keep people in their lives who are toxic, whether or not those people are related, whether or not you have known those people for a long time.

and most of all, this is for me, i want to check my self-righteousness.

this is a flaw i see in so many unhappy people around me. they are so quick to judge and criticize everyone around them but would not dare to take a real good look at themselves. and they are unhappy for it.

i'm never tired of being the bigger person, but i sure am tired of being everybody's punching bag. i'm tried of "understanding" all the time, i'm tired of making excuses for people to abuse me all the time. and i'm tired of feeling like i'm not good enough all the time. i'm tired of all the criticism that people think is "feedback". i'm tired of everyone thinking they know me through some flawed perspective that they have of me. i'm tired of proving myself and having to explain myself all the time to the people who are supposed to just get me. i'm really sick and tired of having to reintroduce myself and having to stand up for myself to the people who are supposed to be there for me and supposed to accept me.

something that i have always known, but never fully realized and never fully practiced until recently is to really cut out toxic people in your life. minimize their role, lower the volume of their voices and opinions and mostly, just get away from them. i really feel that even though i've hit a lot of lows during my time in college, the lowest low i've hit was when i went back home after i graduated.

even in my worst semesters, i've always mustered the energy to be like a phoenix and rise from the ashes. even when i felt the most inadequate, i always found the positivity to pick myself up from my bootstraps and be confident in myself again.

but when i went home, i was in an extremely dark place for a really long time. my real support system was no longer there, the family that i am not related to was no longer with me and the people i really looked to for joy was no longer just around the corner.

i really just didn't want to be around anyone. i wanted to shut everyone out and fix myself because i felt so broken.

i just wanted to be me again.

as cliche as it sounds, i just wanted to find myself again. i got so lost in being what everyone else needed me to be, doing what everyone else needed me to do, that i really did not do or be what i needed to for myself. i needed to be happy, i needed to do things to make me happy. and everything i was doing was not making me happy. in fact, i was sacrificing my happiness in hopes that i could siphon the happiness that i gave others.

but as jane austen once wrote "there are people, who the more you do for them, the less they will do for themselves" and i realized that the more i tried to make people happy, the less they tried to make THEMSELVES happy. they were so willing and so ready for me to just come in and take full responsibility for them. they were willing to give up their autonomy for the sake of not doing something, even if it was for themselves.

i'm surrounded by too many people who just take and take and take and expect to give little to nothing back. they feel too entitled to being taken care of because they have "done their part" and now it's their turn to get love in return. i'm tired of being around people who are so ready to victimize themselves and ready to just sit there and be saved that they will not even lift a finger even when it is to benefit them.

this gets to my new years resolution.

my new years resolution for 2015 is to not be afraid. i'm not going to be afraid to stand up for myself, i'm not going to be afraid to demand happiness, i'm not going to be afraid to be a bitch. if standing up for myself and making myself happy makes me a bitch, then by all means, i would much rather be a bitch than be a pushover.

i always hated the idea of burning bridges, but what is the point in keeping a cancer just because it used to be a part of you? i realize that i can never fully cut out many toxic people from my life permanently, but i am definitely not going to be afraid to take me and my family out of a situation where we will be scrutinized, criticized and judged. if that makes me a freak, well, i've been a freak my entire life and it's actually been pretty good for me.

i guess the world is so rare in kindness and acceptance that when you bring it to people, it scares them.

i know i can come off as confrontational and aggressive. intimidating even. but i'm not going to hide behind courtesy and modesty for the sake of "peace", if i'm here to seek out the truth then i'm going to tackle it head on. i have never been the type to stir up controversy for the sake of striking a low blow, i have never intentionally manipulated people or used people for my own personal gain and benefit. i know who i am and i am happy about who i am and what i have made for myself. i accept my flaws, and i accept that i can change myself to make my flaws a positive instead of a negative.

in 2015, i'm going to really learn how to shut out those voices that don't matter, i'm really going to work on listening to people who want the best for me instead of those who just want me to listen to them. in 2015, i'm not doing this for me anymore, i'm going to be leading an example of how to lead a happy life. and in order to do that, i need to be leading a happy life. and i don't care who you are, how i know you, how you are are related to me, how you think your presence in my life is going to affect me; if you are toxic, negative and overall unhealthy to me and my life, you are going to be GONE and i won't miss you one bit.

it's crazy how one little thing can really show you the larger picture. 

return to positivity!!!

hallo.

it's been a while since i've blogged. which is funny, because i actually do think about blogging everyday. it's therapeutic and it makes me happy.

speaking about happiness, a lot of people that know me would consider me to be a happy person. people who really know me would consider me to be rather bi-polar and moody, but over all a cheery person.

and you know what, i'm actually not.

i have to work really hard every single day to be happy. i feel that my natural state is actually rather angry and depressed.

but i am happy because i choose to be happy. i work hard to be happy. i choose to see the silver lining, i choose to look on the bright side and i try extremely hard to be positive.

and honestly, i really am happier by doing it. i remember this was a really conscious decision i made back in middle school! (imagine me, a middle schooler thinking like this. ai yi yi) i remember that there were a lot of things i was just angry with. i was angry with the entitlement i saw, i was angry with the ignorance and stupidity that surrounded me, i was angry at the fake sense of community and shallow friendships. i was a really angry bird. and it showed, the teachers didn't really do anything about it, other than get me in trouble, but i'm sure they could tell that something was up. i guess i took things really personally, i couldn't understand why the world simply couldn't be more compassionate and understanding and open.

and then i found gandhi.

"be the change you want to see in the world" it's the most cliche, overused quote seen EVERYWHERE. but it spoke to me on a deep level. it didn't make me want to go and march, or start a revolution, or free a peoples. but it did make me think about my perspective of the world. i had become a negative in a negative world. my anger and my frustration did not help the world in any which way. my 12 year old self made a promise to myself that if the world lacked compassion, i would be compassionate. if the world lacked inclusiveness, i will be open and understanding. if the world lacked love, i will open my heart and respect everyone.

it wasn't easy. my own sister asked me a few weeks ago if i would love to not...think so much.

and honestly.

i wouldn't give it up for the world.

but there are times which i did wish i could just shut my brain off. and when i reflect on those times...i am truly glad that i am the way that i am. i'm glad i didn't shut my brain off. i'm glad i think and over think everything.

i know i over think situations, i know i linger on "small" issues. but i really would not have it any other way. i love questioning everything. i love tearing every little thing into pieces and digesting it. i love understanding. and i can't do that if i do not think.

"ignorance is bliss" and that is true. the less you know about the evils of mankind, the dangers of nature, the evil that will always exist, chances are, you will be happy.

but honestly, the truth is, the universe is in balance. all the time. when you look at a picture larger than yourself, larger than mankind, larger than life on earth, and even larger than the milky way, it starts to become clear that...we are so insignificant. in the greatest scheme of things, we are so insignificant.

but that shouldn't make us feel small. in fact it should make us feel free. people feel that everything is so limited. that time is limited, love is limited, kindness is limited. and it really isn't. it doesn't matter what we do! so we should do what we can to make ourselves and the people around us as happy as we can. and if making yourself or your loved ones happy means marching for human rights or simply going to your 9-5 job every single day, do it! you are not more insignificant or more significant than the next person. we all don't matter, and in that way, we all do matter.

i still wake up everyday pissed off. i seriously do. i do not wake up with a smile, sometimes at night i wish i don't wake up at all. but when i do wake up, i accept my fate and choose to live my life with happiness. and that, to me, doesn't mean hiding myself from the truth. my happiness comes from trying my best to understand the Truth.

dead.

in the words of angela harvey "if something isn't growing, it's dead" well, i guess i'm dead then. my career is dead. my motivation is dead. my passion is dead. my knowledge, my hard work, everything that i've invested my heart and soul into for the last five years is dead.

just cut your losses and scrap it up, right? just going to start from square one. fucked up so bad that there's no saving it anymore. fuck it. fuck it all. fuck everything and everyone. just. fuck. 

most epic divorce letter ever?

best divorce letter ever?


i stumbled upon this fairly positive, feel-good and genuinely heartwarming site that contained stories about an 8 year old boy coping with the loss of his dog, a young girl with down syndrome achieving her dream of being a model and then...this.

i'm not even sure where to begin.

let's just begin with the fact that i think this entire thing is FAKE. yes, i am a skeptic and i believe about like 90% of the interwebs is FAKE! i usually don't care, and i usually don't look too deep into something unless i get the random drive to.

but that is besides the point in this case.
i say that because it doesn't matter if this is a real letter about a real couple from a real man to his real soon-to-be-ex-wife. what matters is the fact that this ideology behind this letter exists. people may never put it in these terms, but there are plenty of people who take break ups in this way. bitter, spiteful, and ultimately, unhealthy.

of course, being that i think this is fake, i tried to not take it literally. i took it as almost a satire and attempted to read it through that lens, whether or not i am correct, that is the perspective i choose to look through (maybe it's also because i'm a hopeless optimist)

i mean, for god's sake, he titled his own letter "best divorce letter ever"

and when you look at it through the lens of a satire, i do find that it is rather hilarious! because of the sarcastic  and matter-of-fact tone that this letter embodies. there were some parts where it grossed me out a little, but i think that just added to the shock factor, which made it even more funny.

but here's where i'm concerned....

there are people out there in the world, who are naive enough to believe this is REAL. i mean, if people are willing to read the onion as a legitimate news source, i'm pretty sure there are some people out there who believe that "dan" really wrote this to "connie"

as a matter of fact, there are even people on reddit, an internet community that i greatly respect by the way, who think this is real! and reddit is the embodiment of satirical internet humor! http://www.reddit.com/r/funny/comments/14w45y/hands_down_best_divorce_letter_ever_tldr_inside/
quite a sad day for the interwebs....

but this goes to show! that there are people out there who not only think that this is real, but are OKAY with it and WORSHIP this kind of stuff!

this is where i have a problem. it's one of those things where, it's funny because it isn't real; but if it is, it's the most fucked up thing in the world (and yes, i'm going to hell for laughing at it)

i'm not about to tell anyone how to go about recovering from a loss of a relationship, no matter what kind of relationship it was; good, bad, healthy, toxic, even if it was a friendship or a family member, it really sucks to lose someone, especially when it is someone that you thought would be a significant and positive part of your life forever.

shit's about to get real y'all. get ready.

we all know that feeling after we have lost someone; that feeling of inadequacy, like we weren't good enough, or that we didn't try hard enough to maintain that relationship. and the part that they played in our lives is now empty, a large part of our identity as a friend, a lover, an extension of someone else is now gone, we have to completely rediscover ourselves. even the most confident and self-loving individual goes through this through losing a significant other, and if you don't, obviously, you didn't love them enough. because when you truly love someone, they become a part of your life, a major part of your life, your identity, your being. and for that to go away, suddenly or slowly, leaves you alone and confused. of course, that confusion becomes bitterness and anger and all sorts of nastiness.

but the turning point is how you rebound or recover from that point.

honestly, i am not a big fan of the whole "i'm newly single so i'm going to fuck everything that moves, drink anything that's alcoholic and party like i'm some college freshman again!"

 all i see/hear is: "my brand new self-destructive views of life are completely independent of the fact that the most important person in my life no longer needs me as a part of theirs. i'm totally not insecure and avoiding to deal with the issue of inadequacy, insecurity and vulnerability. i'm such a new, reborn person. i'm so empowered and i'm all about myself and this is all for meeee!!"

i hope yall hear the sarcasm.

trust me. i get it. when you are so low in the dumps, it really is a MASSIVE and HEALTHY ego-boost for someone to hit on you, or compliment you, or for you to just let loose and let go of all the tension in your life and just shut everything out and enjoy it for a while.

for. a. while.

when it gets to be unhealthy is when you don't progress onto the next step of recovery, and that is rebuilding your identity by yourself and believing in your love for yourself again.

and honestly, don't feel that you have to be all "ALL MY SINGLE LADIES!!" just because you had one of the most devastating break ups of your life. maybe it's more beneficial for you to go all emo-teen mode and just cry and watch romcoms all day while ingesting dangerous amounts of ice cream and cookie dough.

what i'm trying to say is: do what you gotta do. but it HAS to be a means to an end, not a means to end YOURSELF. maybe writing a fake letter and posting it on the internet is helpful, maybe blogging, maybe writing songs, do what you gotta do and then get over that part of your recovery and focus on the big picture which is the AWESOMENESS that is YOU! and don't let your emotions get the best of you either, get crazy, but really don't do anything that will make you regret it in the morning, in two weeks, in three years, ever. and DO look that far ahead, sometimes the best way to get through a situation is to see what you COULD become instead of where you are NOW. (god knows that's how i got through college...) 

The Baby Box

this is an old article, but i didn't get to read it until recently (recently as in like ten minutes ago....)

http://www.lifesitenews.com/news/korean-pastor

and even though it's a short article, if no one wants to read it, i'll summarize: pastor in south korea started up a place (a baby box....like literately a box to put babies) where parents (mostly mothers) can leave their unwanted child.

and there's a lot of different opinions on the issue and such, so....i'm just going to give my opinion.

first of all, i do recognize that child abandonment is a GLOBAL ISSUE. it's not limited to third world or underdeveloped countries, infanticide is and has been a major issue in the global community. heck. read the bible, even moses's mom abandoned him!!

but on a much more serious note, the struggle is real. there are many people doing many things to resolve this issue; politicians are implementing safe haven laws, adoption agencies, orphanages, baby boxes, everyone is doing what they feel they can do to solve this problem, and no matter where you stand on this issue, i think we really need to recognize and applaud these people and all their hard work because their resources are limited, the problem at hand is huge, and they still do it everyday with a smile!

but something that struck me SEVERELY is actually the last paragraph of this damn article

"Korea is not the only place that deals with child abandonment. Globally, millions of children die from abandonment. It takes different forms from country to country. In the United States, abortion serves our abandonment purposes and they call it a “woman’s choice.” Our nation is still struggling to see that these babies are human beings, too. They deserve to live just like any other human being. With incredible men and women like Pastor Lee Jong-rak, this world is seeing how life can be for these babies when we take them in; when we become a voice for the ones that cannot speak up for themselves. They are loved, they are cherished, and they are worthy just the way they are." 

are you fucking kidding me. i was getting this heavy sense of misogyny in this article (who was written by a woman, by the motherfucking way) but this really was the last straw on the motherfucking camel's back. not only is this ENTIRE paragraph unnecessary, but i think it is because of this misogyny that we even have this issue in the first place.

yes. i am going there. i am going all militant feminazi on this bitch. 

again, i appreciate the work of all these groups and peoples who are saving these abandoned babies and finding a way to let these children live wonderful lives. that's great, but i honestly think that it is just curing a symptom of a much larger issue, and that is the hatred for women. 

i think that if we empower women to take control of their bodies, have a say in their sexuality and ability to reproduce, or not reproduce, if we do no hold a stigma on single mothers, or mothers who choose to give up their children to ANYTHING (abortion, adoption, heck, even abandonment) and if we STOP BLAMING JUST THE WOMEN. 

i'm not hating on men, it's not men who are the issue, it is all of us and we all need to take a good damn look at ourselves and be fucking honest. all of this slut shaming needs to stop because there is more than just the baby's life involved, more than just the mother, more than just the father, it is all of us. it takes a village to raise a child, and it really does. and we all need to take responsibility in this issue because in one way or another we all contribute to this issue. 

i mean think about it, people always say "if you don't want kids, don't have sex" (and on a much harsher note, a lot of people DO say "close your legs" - again, SLUT SHAMING (slut shaming = BAD)) but seriously, let's be real right now, gettin' real real here: SEX IS FUN. PEOPLE LIKE TO FUCK. FUCKING IS GREAT. how the hell is you gonna go and preach abstinence when we are programmed to fuck? are you fucking serious, it's like walking up to a dog and being surprised that it's walking on four legs, dumbass. i think it's a really unattainable, impractical and not to mention overall STUPID idea that the one and only way of birth control is abstinence. 

again. if we empower and educate women on taking birth control into their own hands WITHOUT THE STIGMA OF BEING A SLUT, we solve the problem in the first place! if a woman carries around a condom, it must be because she's always ready to do the dirty right? WRONG. better to have it and not need it than to need it and not have it. it's just taking control of your own body and sexuality. birth control bills, iud, all of those other things are great at preventing BABIES, but condoms also prevent some sti's so, please always wear a condom, you want to protect yourself from more than just parenthood. 

there's all of those awesome quotes "don't get love without the glove" "if you wanna tap it, you gotta wrap it" GENTLEMEN, you have ways to prevent babies too! OMG! whoaaaaaaaaaaa didn't know that did you? and don't feel any less of a man simply because you want to take control of your sexuality as well! i applaud you! (not to mention, it's very sexy to see a man who knows what he wants and doesn't want) 

i need feminism because....we need to empower both genders. yes, i was saying earlier that we need to empower WOMEN, but we also need to empower MEN. we aren't those lizards who are all women and reproduce via parthenogenesis (all women, they just like hump each other to reproduce. pretty cool, yall should google it.) but back to the point: it takes two to tango (and make a baby). so men also need to be empowered and educated in this issue, as i said earlier, it's not just about abandoned babies, mothers who abandon babies, it's about the fathers as well. 

and not to call anyone out or anything but seriously, fuck websites like this: http://www.dontfixit.org/ 

because 1. you think that your rare case of a bad vasectomy should stop other men from having the procedure as well? 2. it IS rare for men to experience pain or illnesses, there are many studies that prove how safe and effective vasectomies are and 3. i'm sorry for your pain and troubles with your specific case, but guess what, you're special. and you may think that you are helping men make medical decisions, but really, you're just adding to the fear and stigma of male birth control. 

i do agree that there needs to be more birth control options for men, why can't men take a pill everyday to lower their sperm count? i know that medically, that may be dangerous (or even impossible) but seriously, birth control is pretty much thrown onto women, but then women who choose to use birth control are viewed as sluts and whores. and men who choose to "get snipped" are considered "less" of a man (because the definition of a man is obviously correlated with his penis, not the essence of his nature or his morals.) 

what i'm trying to say is: there is a stigma for anyone, man or woman, who take control of their sexuality. i think we need to be more invested in education of sexuality instead of just talking about it and not really knowing anything about it. in a more ideal world, i think anyone can choose to control their sexuality in any way that they feel comfortable with, and not be judged for it. got a condom? good for you. practicing abstinence? good job. taking the pill? all the power to ya. got snipped? awesome. got an abortion? do what you gotta do. like, imagine! how awesome is it that nobody feels entitled to an opinion about YOUR body? nobody thinks that they have a say in how you choose to deal with your life and your body. that's ideal for me. because let's be honest, lots of women are portrayed as heartless bitches who so easily "murder" their babies or "abandon" them. 

and i hate when people say that adoption is an alternative to abortion, can you fucking just IMAGINE the emotion turmoil and trauma of giving up your child? it's not fucking easy. and it is NOT easy to have an abortion either. it's not one of those "oh, got preggers? my bad. let's get this done" decisions. women are not so heartless and quick to make these MAJOR life decisions so easily. i think a lot of people forget that part of this issue, the fact that there is a human being with a heart and emotions who also just happens to have a vagina. if you read the note that the mother left her child (in the article) it reads: 

“My baby! Mom is so sorry.
I am so sorry to make this decision. 
My son! I hope you to meet great parents, and I am very, very sorry . 
I don’t deserve to say a word. 
Sorry, sorry, and I love you my son. 
Mom loves you more than anything else. 
I leave you here because I don’t know who your father is. 
I used to think about something bad, but I guess this box is safer for you. 
That’s why I decided to leave you here. My son, Please forgive me.”

if that did not bring tears to your eyes, or at least pulled at some heartstrings, YOU are the heartless one. these are not women who are so heartless and shallow that they can so easily abandon their child. these women have been pushed into a corner with no support, who are doing what they think is all that they could do in order to deal with the cards that they have been dealt. none of us can even begin to fathom why they feel that this is the only thing they can do, so none of us can judge them. 

so when we look at the issue on hand, we need to empower mothers and fathers to save the children. 

that is all. the end. 

"i'm trying to forget you"

i've been meaning to write a blog about this for quite some time, but i've found myself thinking about this and not being able to find the words to fully explain my train of thought.

it's one of those things that are super simple and yet keep nagging at the back of your mind because of the effect it has on you. this simple phrase has stirred something within me that i think i've shoved under the rug.

i find it ironic, but also helpful, that a phrase like this brings up exactly what you need it to bring up. to everyone else, it might just be a hipster phrase (and may even bring up questions of "why is this art? how did it make it into a gallery?") but to someone who's trying to forget, or at least not remember, someone or something...it triggers something.

the universality of that "you". although it has no name, no face, no...suggestion of a person, it has the power to let us bring up our own name, face and person that we are trying to "forget". this is why i find it so ironic but incredibly helpful.

what does it mean to forget? like i said earlier, it's simply to shove it under a rug. pretend you can't see it, or feel it, or remember it; but nevertheless, it's still very much there.

i'll be honest, i thought about robert the first time i saw this. it was in the fall semester and this was in the art lofts for a master's show. it was funny because at that time i thought i had completely gotten over robert, had my own closure and was ready to move on. it's true, i did have my own closure and was ready to move on, but i was still not COMPLETELY over robert because a simple phrase like this made me miss that bastard. and i'll be honest, for the next three hours of my class, i thought and thought about him and why that birthday-party-banner even brought up some things that i thought i had gotten over.

and then it hit me.

we had this one fireside chat during a pk meeting about forgiveness. and this is one of those things where...you know what the lady is saying, you get it and it's just another really long boring lecture. but then when you actually utilize what she says, you really start to UNDERSTAND.

forgiveness and forgetting are two different things. i knew that, i've known it for a long time. still, i managed to try to forget rather than forgive. it's really true, it's hard to forgive, it's not just a simple switch that you turn on or off, it really is a process. and i truly think oppressing something is a part of that process. it's part of it because it's something that you have to accept you did. you have to accept that you did try to forget, shove it off, not let it bother you because ultimately it will hurt you. you tried to hide from it but ultimately it will find it's way into the light again.

and this is when i think i really did start to get over robert. because that was when i really started to look over everything and i realized that i forgave robert for everything but i had not taken time to forgive MYSELF. the person that i was afraid to face was not robert, i was over him but i wasn't over the relationship. a lot of people argue whether there was even a relationship or not, but you know what, it was something that affected me and whatever you want to call it, it was something that i had to get over. by denying that there wasn't anything there doesn't make anything go away, if there wasn't anything there, then why on earth are there these feelings? it's like by saying the holocaust never existed, that all those prisoners of war are gonna magically resurrect and be free of ptsd. no. denial doesn't solve anything, it just postpones when you're gonna have to deal with it.

it's amazing isn't it? that all of this thought came from a simple little phrase. it's not even dramatic like those annoying little pictures that people post on instagram (like THIS SHIT ohhh so you put on some filters and some corny quote? you're so deeeeep (i hope you hear my sarcasm))

anyway, that's a rant for another day. what i'm saying is, that this phrase isn't even trying to be deep, like i said, if it doesn't apply to you then it probably won't even affect you. and it's not in front of an extremely photoshopped picture or anything. it's a bunch of colorful birthday banner on a freaking wall. it doesn't get any more impressionable than that. and yet that phrase! it's like you suddenly forget about being in the gallery, you forget about looking at those letters on a wall and you're in this place that you have been avoiding and you're forced to confront yourself of the exact thing you're trying to forget.