"i'm trying to forget you"

i've been meaning to write a blog about this for quite some time, but i've found myself thinking about this and not being able to find the words to fully explain my train of thought.

it's one of those things that are super simple and yet keep nagging at the back of your mind because of the effect it has on you. this simple phrase has stirred something within me that i think i've shoved under the rug.

i find it ironic, but also helpful, that a phrase like this brings up exactly what you need it to bring up. to everyone else, it might just be a hipster phrase (and may even bring up questions of "why is this art? how did it make it into a gallery?") but to someone who's trying to forget, or at least not remember, someone or something...it triggers something.

the universality of that "you". although it has no name, no face, no...suggestion of a person, it has the power to let us bring up our own name, face and person that we are trying to "forget". this is why i find it so ironic but incredibly helpful.

what does it mean to forget? like i said earlier, it's simply to shove it under a rug. pretend you can't see it, or feel it, or remember it; but nevertheless, it's still very much there.

i'll be honest, i thought about robert the first time i saw this. it was in the fall semester and this was in the art lofts for a master's show. it was funny because at that time i thought i had completely gotten over robert, had my own closure and was ready to move on. it's true, i did have my own closure and was ready to move on, but i was still not COMPLETELY over robert because a simple phrase like this made me miss that bastard. and i'll be honest, for the next three hours of my class, i thought and thought about him and why that birthday-party-banner even brought up some things that i thought i had gotten over.

and then it hit me.

we had this one fireside chat during a pk meeting about forgiveness. and this is one of those things where...you know what the lady is saying, you get it and it's just another really long boring lecture. but then when you actually utilize what she says, you really start to UNDERSTAND.

forgiveness and forgetting are two different things. i knew that, i've known it for a long time. still, i managed to try to forget rather than forgive. it's really true, it's hard to forgive, it's not just a simple switch that you turn on or off, it really is a process. and i truly think oppressing something is a part of that process. it's part of it because it's something that you have to accept you did. you have to accept that you did try to forget, shove it off, not let it bother you because ultimately it will hurt you. you tried to hide from it but ultimately it will find it's way into the light again.

and this is when i think i really did start to get over robert. because that was when i really started to look over everything and i realized that i forgave robert for everything but i had not taken time to forgive MYSELF. the person that i was afraid to face was not robert, i was over him but i wasn't over the relationship. a lot of people argue whether there was even a relationship or not, but you know what, it was something that affected me and whatever you want to call it, it was something that i had to get over. by denying that there wasn't anything there doesn't make anything go away, if there wasn't anything there, then why on earth are there these feelings? it's like by saying the holocaust never existed, that all those prisoners of war are gonna magically resurrect and be free of ptsd. no. denial doesn't solve anything, it just postpones when you're gonna have to deal with it.

it's amazing isn't it? that all of this thought came from a simple little phrase. it's not even dramatic like those annoying little pictures that people post on instagram (like THIS SHIT ohhh so you put on some filters and some corny quote? you're so deeeeep (i hope you hear my sarcasm))

anyway, that's a rant for another day. what i'm saying is, that this phrase isn't even trying to be deep, like i said, if it doesn't apply to you then it probably won't even affect you. and it's not in front of an extremely photoshopped picture or anything. it's a bunch of colorful birthday banner on a freaking wall. it doesn't get any more impressionable than that. and yet that phrase! it's like you suddenly forget about being in the gallery, you forget about looking at those letters on a wall and you're in this place that you have been avoiding and you're forced to confront yourself of the exact thing you're trying to forget.