but.
something i absolutely refuse to believe.
with my every being.
is that someone can fall so low, so fast.
i've seen it. i've seen people i have a lot of respect for fall to a place where i cannot even believe that they were the same person.
i refuse to believe this, because i refuse that someone as competent as that, someone as amazing as that can fall so far. and so fast.
the strongest person i know suddenly becomes the weakest. the smartest person i know suddenly becomes the dumbest. the person that i could always rely on suddenly becomes the one that relies most on me.
i wouldn't mind at all, had this been a gradual change. i wouldn't mind at all had i seen any bit of hope left in this person.
it seems like this person has died. and reincarnated into a being so unlike who they used to be. and right in front of my eyes. it happens so quickly i cannot grasp it. it happens so quickly i don't have the time to believe it just happened.
and the saddest part is...i'm not sure if they can recover.
i don't know if the person i used to respect so much can ever come back. and i don't know if i can love this new person. no matter how much i try, unless they change - they don't even have to change back, just change who they are now. but even then i'm not sure.
like i said. it's not even gradual.
it took just one, just one, traumatic event to change this person.
just one.
and not one that you suffered alone either. we all suffered. it affected us all.
but it seems like you're the only one still bothered by it.
we have all moved on. why haven't you?
it's not just us. countless others have suffered the same exact pain. the same exact situation.
and they were able to continue.
why is it eating only you up? why can't you let go?
by holding onto it, you're not giving yourself a chance to look forward, you're not giving yourself a chance to live again.
it kills me to see someone that used to be normal, deteriorate into this incompetent, stupid, worthless piece of dirt.
and it kills me even more that i can't help you.
it kills me that by offering you help, i risk just adding to your dependency. it kills me to not help you, but it hurts me even more knowing that by helping you directly, i'm indirectly killing your soul.
(ok, one should not listen to sad songs when blogging sad thoughts. totally not the same as with angry blogs where angry music fuels the passion. sad music just drains the heart.)
i really don't know what i can do. i can't leave you by yourself. but i can't give you another excuse to not help yourself.
i don't know what to do.
i can't focus on myself because you are a part of me. i am not helping myself by leaving you because by leaving you would be leaving a huge part of myself behind.
it's a slippery slope. but i'll do what i can to help you up. all i can do is throw you rope, you will have to pull yourself up. if i throw you a rope and you slip, all i can do is hold onto that rope with all of my strength. even if i pull the rope, you won't get anywhere unless you walk on your own two feet.
if this ever happens to me, if i struggle, fall and crash. i want abandonment.
i want loneliness.
because i cannot stand to be alone.
so if i was to be left all alone, i'd be forced to seek help. i'd be forced to admit that i have sunk this low, i'd be forced to see how much shit i really am in.
so that i'll see your rope, but also see that i have to pull myself up instead of having you pull me up.
i don't know what i'm going to do. i'm just going to live life. i'm going to offer my support. but if you fall, crash and burn...i can only stand by and watch.
unless you want me to fall, crash and burn with you so you won't be lonesome.
a sacrifice i'm willing to make so that i can free you from your own isolation.
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