i feel like i'm just going with the flow of things and getting swept up in everything. i feel like i'm just floating around not able to stand my ground and eventually i'm just going to fly away like a balloon off it's string and i'm not gonna have any control over my life.
maybe everything's going fine and i'm just freaking out because i'm not doing what everyone else is doing right now. but i'm not supposed to be doing what their doing. i should be doing my own thing. thing is, i'm not sure how to do that either.
man. i should really go talk to an advisor about this. :/
UGH.
the saddest, or most frustrating, part is that i feel like i've just been wasting my time. and not only was i just wasting my time, but i was straight up fucking myself over and for what? "exploring what's out there"?! FUCK THAT. i've known what i've wanted to do even before i started going to school. i should have never let everyone else tell me otherwise, i should have just followed my heart and pursued the dreams that i had for me instead of doing something to impress everyone else. fuck. god. wasted my own fucking time.
yes. i'm editing this post for the second time tonight. i'm very emotionally...unstable right now.
anyway.
siiiiiiiiiighhhhh.
you know what. i'm proud of myself. i'm not doing well right now. but i'm getting better. i've hit rock bottom, yes. and i shouldn't be expecting myself to be flying right now (although, many people expect me to just pick myself up just like that [NOT exactly possible, ESPECIALLY when you're not the cream of the crop, such as myself]). but i feel that i'm really...really getting better. i haven't gotten worse. and i believe that i'm going to continue to keep getting better until i can satisfy everyone's expectations of me.
wahhh. i'll feel better. :D
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