simpering simpleton

i don't get it, i'm such a simple person...but sometimes it seems like no one gets me o.o

competition

you know what sucks more than losing all the time? winning all the time.

i can't say that i win all the time, heck, i don't win ever. but, coming from someone who loses all the time, it seems like the people who win all the time are just as bored, of not more bored than those who lose all the time.

i'm not really competitive, which is probably why i lose all the time, but just because you lose doesn't mean that you still can't have fun, right? why is winning always associated with fun? and just because you lose, why does it mean that you're not good at something? it simply means that someone's better.

for example, take tetris. i effin' love that game. with so much passion, it scares me a little. for a while, i did think of it as a competition, i needed to have the highest score out of all of my family and friends. and when someone beat me, i had to win my spot back. but then...i realized that i started to get really frustrated when i played, that i was critical of every move i did and cursed myself whenever i made a wrong move.

that's no fun.

then one day, i realized that hey...why do something that causes me so much distress? so i stopped playing tetris for a while. and it was pretty sad. because remember: i love that game with so much passion it scares me a little. so, when i stopped, i suffered from some tetris withdrawal, and that was not a pretty picture, i was crabby a lot of the time, i felt like i didn't want to do anything. all the time i spent playing tetris was now focused on school...which makes me depressed.

so one day i finally decided to start playing again, just for fun. and you know what? i didn't care about making the right moves or beating my high score, i just played because it was fun. and guess what? i DID beat my high score! it was so...exciting and exhilarating that from then on i completely gave up playing tetris competitively. and it's helped me a lot, i don't stress about it anymore, and when i do play it, i'm just...happy.

so i tried applying this to everything else; sure i'm not the best of the best, heck, i'm barely average. but fuck being the best and fuck winning all the time, sometimes you win and sometimes you lose but what should stay consistent is the fun and joy you get when you do something.

and also...if you win all the time...what's the fun in that?? you're not being challenged, you're just gonna have to go out of your way to find a "worthy" challenger or just try and outdo yourself, and for what? who are you trying to impress? if you're doing this for "you" then why are you causing yourself all of this unnecessary stress? and finally, why does life have to always be a challenge?

empty words.

i hate when i have nothing to say. because i usually do have something to say.

but when i do have something to say, i gotsta says it.

so i hate it when i want to say something, i can feel it, but then nothing comes out. i'm just blank.

what's worse is when i do come up with something of substance to say, it's usually too late. and then i'm just like...fuck.

and when it gets like that, i'm just like, "tia, just spit out some words! c'mon, just say something"

but i can't.

i guess i can't say things just to say things...i can't do..filler things in a conversation. i mean, i do the whole, "hahahaha" "lol" thing, but it's not really fillers...i'm really laughing.

i mean...i guess i prefer silence over...forced conversation.

i guess it does get kinda awkward when the conversation dies down and it's just kind of...quiet, but what's even more awkward is when you try to carry on a conversation that's obviously dead, then it's just a bunch of dead end comments. nothing serious, nothing engaging. and that to me...is worse. =]

i dunno...i don't like empty words. i mean...not every word that comes out of your mouth has to be entirely thought out and meaningful...but if you got something to say, you should say it and if you don't got anything to say...well, i guess that's ok too. even if you really do want to make conversation...=\

Defined

I love how other people think they can define me. They throw me into their own little categories and think they know me so well based on that; and when I don’t fit their definition, then they call me “fake”. I love this because, for a really long time I was unaware of this. I’ve always been true to myself, I don’t put up a front to anyone, I show more respect to some people, but overall, I’m me. And for a long time, I defined myself by someone else’s definition and standard. I looked at myself and thought, “Am I fake? Is this really me?” and only recently have I really said, “Yes, this is me. I’ve always been true to myself.” The problem isn’t me, it’s the other person. Who do they think they are defining me? Who do they think they are thinking that they know me? And who do they think they are by clumping people together? Is there only a certain amount of people in the world? If I’m not like this then am I like that?

When I discovered that the problem wasn’t me, it felt so god damn good. This has been bothering me for such a long time; I seriously thought that I was fake, that I don’t have an identity because I’m not completely like this and a little bit like that too. But I’ve always been ME. And what’s wrong with being me? Just because I don’t fit your definition of me doesn’t make ME fake, it makes YOU judgmental. And that isn’t something wrong with me, that’s something wrong with YOU. So, next time you call me fake or say something “isn’t me”, think about what it is that MAKES me; YOUR definition, or MY actions? Who do you think you are telling me who or what I am? Do you even know me, or what I’m a capable of?

Fuck sounding cliche.

Don't judge me.

Luuuurrrrrvvvvvssss

I don't get why people think puppy love or one sided love is not as strong as "real love."

Who decides when two people (or one person) are in love anyway??

Why does it take two to love?? Being loved back is great in all, but just being IN love with someone without caring whether they will love you back or not...isn't that the true definition of love itself??