"i'm trying to forget you"

i've been meaning to write a blog about this for quite some time, but i've found myself thinking about this and not being able to find the words to fully explain my train of thought.

it's one of those things that are super simple and yet keep nagging at the back of your mind because of the effect it has on you. this simple phrase has stirred something within me that i think i've shoved under the rug.

i find it ironic, but also helpful, that a phrase like this brings up exactly what you need it to bring up. to everyone else, it might just be a hipster phrase (and may even bring up questions of "why is this art? how did it make it into a gallery?") but to someone who's trying to forget, or at least not remember, someone or something...it triggers something.

the universality of that "you". although it has no name, no face, no...suggestion of a person, it has the power to let us bring up our own name, face and person that we are trying to "forget". this is why i find it so ironic but incredibly helpful.

what does it mean to forget? like i said earlier, it's simply to shove it under a rug. pretend you can't see it, or feel it, or remember it; but nevertheless, it's still very much there.

i'll be honest, i thought about robert the first time i saw this. it was in the fall semester and this was in the art lofts for a master's show. it was funny because at that time i thought i had completely gotten over robert, had my own closure and was ready to move on. it's true, i did have my own closure and was ready to move on, but i was still not COMPLETELY over robert because a simple phrase like this made me miss that bastard. and i'll be honest, for the next three hours of my class, i thought and thought about him and why that birthday-party-banner even brought up some things that i thought i had gotten over.

and then it hit me.

we had this one fireside chat during a pk meeting about forgiveness. and this is one of those things where...you know what the lady is saying, you get it and it's just another really long boring lecture. but then when you actually utilize what she says, you really start to UNDERSTAND.

forgiveness and forgetting are two different things. i knew that, i've known it for a long time. still, i managed to try to forget rather than forgive. it's really true, it's hard to forgive, it's not just a simple switch that you turn on or off, it really is a process. and i truly think oppressing something is a part of that process. it's part of it because it's something that you have to accept you did. you have to accept that you did try to forget, shove it off, not let it bother you because ultimately it will hurt you. you tried to hide from it but ultimately it will find it's way into the light again.

and this is when i think i really did start to get over robert. because that was when i really started to look over everything and i realized that i forgave robert for everything but i had not taken time to forgive MYSELF. the person that i was afraid to face was not robert, i was over him but i wasn't over the relationship. a lot of people argue whether there was even a relationship or not, but you know what, it was something that affected me and whatever you want to call it, it was something that i had to get over. by denying that there wasn't anything there doesn't make anything go away, if there wasn't anything there, then why on earth are there these feelings? it's like by saying the holocaust never existed, that all those prisoners of war are gonna magically resurrect and be free of ptsd. no. denial doesn't solve anything, it just postpones when you're gonna have to deal with it.

it's amazing isn't it? that all of this thought came from a simple little phrase. it's not even dramatic like those annoying little pictures that people post on instagram (like THIS SHIT ohhh so you put on some filters and some corny quote? you're so deeeeep (i hope you hear my sarcasm))

anyway, that's a rant for another day. what i'm saying is, that this phrase isn't even trying to be deep, like i said, if it doesn't apply to you then it probably won't even affect you. and it's not in front of an extremely photoshopped picture or anything. it's a bunch of colorful birthday banner on a freaking wall. it doesn't get any more impressionable than that. and yet that phrase! it's like you suddenly forget about being in the gallery, you forget about looking at those letters on a wall and you're in this place that you have been avoiding and you're forced to confront yourself of the exact thing you're trying to forget. 

relationship connections

i think it's really interesting how involved you can get with different people you meet. sometimes you meet one person, and it's just that. you make one new friend. but a lot of times when you meet one person, like actually get to know them and make them a part of your life; chances are you are going to meet at least like 10 other people; and depending on the relationships you establish with those 10 people could lead to knowing even more people and by the time you know it, you have like 300 people as friends on facebook. that you actually know and talk to.

people are always criticizing how many of your social network friends are actually friends..but hey, they may be called "friends" but hey! why do people hold that word so highly? it's just like hope and trust. people put so much emphasis on the word that the meaning of the actual thing gets lost. if your relationship with another person could be defined by a word, then maybe your relationship isn't all that amazing.

i understand the importance of friends. i love my friends to death and will do pretty much anything for them. studies have shown that close, intimate relationships with other people result in a healthier, better quality of life. because we're social animals. so i KNOW the importance of friends; i have them.

which is exactly why when people act like someone who has like 1000 friends on their facebook or myspace is like...actually friendless or snobby or whatever; it irritates me. because i KNOW people who have like 1000 PLUS friends on facebook and guess what? they're actually just really, really social people. i mean, people add me on facebook after just being introduced to me. we don't have that much of a conversation, but hey! half an hour later, i get a friend request (and there's really no reason to not accept because...well, i DO know the person) and you know what, sometimes i actually don't add anyone until maybe even hanging out (like LEGIT hang out, not just be in the presence of the person) a couple times.

not only do some people have different definitions of friends in REAL LIFE, some people just don't care about facebook at all!! someone might be a super social butterfly (like...a socialite or something) and have way too much of a life to not even spend time on facebook (because they're too busy seeing people's faces in real life).

so...what i'm saying is that facebook doesn't reflect reality (heck, some people's perspective of reality isn't even accurate). so people need to stop putting facebook on a pedestal.

now back to my original topic of social networking (not on the world wide web. like actually networking) and i think it's interesting and really heart-touching in a sense that by just being acquainted by someone, they can really grow to be a part of your life and can lead you to meet a lot of other people who will greatly influence your life in a positive way.

so open up and let yourself know people and let people know you. :D

TOMS

those shoes are so damn ugly.

not only that, but i'm going to assume that anyone who purchases/wears them think that they're helping some poor african kid in africa get a pair of shoes. well guess what, you're not. it's just another major cooperation making money. you're not saving no kiddies in africa. you're not changing the world. you're buying some butt-ugly shoes. i hope you're happy with yourself. 

The Art of Modesty

I've always been a fan of hijabi; i remember waaaay back to 9/11 and the huge blow up about the middle east and islam in general.

 and even back in the 5th grade, women's rights have been an issue that's been discussed. i'm all for women's, human's rights in general. but i remember that one of the biggest issues revolved around hijabi culture.

 it still boggles me to this day that schools and teachers would brainwash us that hijabi is a form of oppression. i remember that even as an 11 year old; i simply just loved the fact that women even covered up. unfortunately, i didn't have any muslims in my class back then, but it must hurt like a BITCH to hear that your culture and your beliefs are "oppressive" and "wrong".

 I mean, i experienced it myself when i read an article about hmong culture and the author (who i believe was a hmong woman) ranted on and on about how the hmong culture was oppressive towards women and the lives of hmong women would only know hardship.

 OMFG

 like. really? this goes back to my one post about society and taking an active role in it. IF YOU THINK THERE'S SOMETHING FUCKING WRONG WITH YOUR SOCIETY. FUCKING CHANGE IT. quit bitching and acting like the world's against you, you have a voice too and you also have the power to change it. and you know what? FUCK that article, because to be honest, what society DOESN'T oppress women, or practice any type of oppression? even in perfect america, women are oppressed; racism exists; intolerance happens EVERY SINGLE DAY.

i fucking hate that people think that mainstream america is somehow free of hate. what i also fucking hate when people think america's like the most dysfunctional country in the world. I FUCKING LOVE BEING AMERICAN. if you really don't like it, FUCKING MOVE. you know how fucking EASY it is to LEAVE the united states? why don't you go live in north korea and try fucking leaving? bet you can't just up and move as easily as you can in america! and you know, motherfuckers that are all like "oh, there's only racism in america. it's not that big in europe" well. isn't europe just fucking perfect? with their socialism and universal healthcare and legal marijuana. well guess, fucking what? racism may not exist in some places, but that's because EVERYBODY'S THE SAME GODDAMN RACE. look at china. how many fucking black people are in china? how many fucking white people are in china?? how the fuck can they be racist, if there ain't no race to be racist against??

 DISCRIMINATION exists everywhere. oppression exists everywhere. you can't escape it; you can move to wherever the fuck you think is perfect and free of the hatred and intolerance known as human nature.

 well. that was quite the tangent. BUT! now that you know where i come from in terms of oppression; it's everywhere and you shouldn't think that your society or that you are better than people just because they live differently than you.

 now back to the topic of modesty.

 now that we've gotten the whole oppression idea out of the question. i'm going to talk about another type of oppression: self-oppression.

 i can't recall how many times i've seen women oppress themselves by embodying every idea that we have worked so damn hard to get rid of.

 just to list a few:

 -the idea of "daintiness"
                     BITCH PLEASE i can open any fucking can in this fucking place, INCLUDING a can of whoop-ass. do NOT think i'm some dainty flower because i will STOMP a bitch if i have to.

 -the "sexy" ideal
                    OMFLJ PLEASE. PLEASE let the next "sexy" person i see DIE. sexy is a good thing, it's good to have sex appeal, that's how you attract mates and that's how you reproduce and continue the human race. HOWEVER. do not do not do NOT make yourself a sex object. because do you know what that makes you? an OBJECT. you are not an object. you are a human being. do you know what an object is? it's like...a tissue. once you're done with what you need it for, you toss it. if you toss a human being, then you're a terrible human being. if you toss an object, you're just a regular human being. don't be an object. don't objectify yourself because that just justifies the asshole that tosses you. i mean people will be like "well, yeah, he only wants one thing" if you were something of substance, maybe you'll be worth keeping, ever think of that?

 -the boob shot
                       ...i don't know why bitches be getting so offended when i call them out on their boob shots. because..it's obviously to show off your boobs. and that leads back to objectifying yourself. and hey, i love boobs just as much as the next person, which is why i'm willing to fight for the dignity of boobs. boobs are awesome. don't make them less awesome by stigmatizing them as a sex object. do not objectify yourself and do not objectify your boobs. i mean, seriously, if you're gonna take a picture of your new "shirt" or "jacket" or "swim suit" then take a picture of it! if it MUST be on you, then at LEAST have your fucking head in there! you know what's better than a head? a BODY. i hate when girls take pictures from their boobs up. i mean, if your eyes aren't that engaging, where the fuck do you think my eyes are gonna go? the background? no. your boobs. because boobs are awesome. but you making them all about sex, then that makes them less awesome, because boobs are so much more than just there for titty-fucking. they feed our babies, they attract mates, they can crush cans, they cushion chest bumps. boobs are awesome, so don't make them less awesome just because you're a whore.


 okay. now that you all know my opinion on...mainly just how you carry yourself. so this ties back to the idea of modesty. because i believe that there is a lot of virtue in modesty. i'm not so extreme as to the hijabi, but i believe that it is very classic and extremely fashionable; not to mention tasteful. now i LOVE the naked body. i am an art student afterall. i love the naturalness of the figure, if anything i believe my mentality is more of a nudist than islam, but i do love modesty.

i love modesty because i believe nudism is still too radical; being nude isn't about having massive orgies all the time, it's about that naturalness that i was talking about. but for some reason everyone thinks that just because it's all hanging out, it's for the purpose of "easy access" you know what, maybe it's because you have NOTHING to be ashamed of!! why hide behind fabric when your skin is more beautiful? THAT'S the idea behind nudism. but apparently people don't get that shit. so i also support the opposite end of the spectrum. MODESTY. because i think it's a very classy way of presenting yourself. trust me, i'm not so conservative as to do full body covering, but i do think that you don't have to prance around with your titties fallin' out or your ass jiggling everywhere. that is NOT cute.

having people comment on your boobs or your ass and NOT your eyes or your smile or hey! what do you know? what about even your goddamn PERSONALITY? or even your intelligence? if you give them nothing else to look at or notice, they're only gonna notice what you put in front of them. so you either put who you really are, what you're made of and what you want people to think of you. OR you can speak "body language" and let your body do the talking. because god knows, ain't nobody listening to a goddamn word you're saying. so you, as a woman, have a choice to use your voice to do the talking, or you can let people stare at you and hopefully you can have a meaningful conversation.

"Mother Nature is bi-polar"

why, yes she is. she has two poles, a north and south :D