Carefree...or careless??

Hmmm...today, I'm being a good student! Yeah! For the first time this semester! I kicked myself off facebook TWO TIMES to continue studying! OMG! I've never done that before! And from studying I've found what I need to work on and what I'm good at! yay!! I've even prepared some questions to ask at the study session!! OMFG...this is what productivity really is...and I've only been at it for three hours! wow...I feel REALLY good about this! I'm so excited for this exam tomorrow!! =D yes. i. is. excited.

And yesterday! I did TWO assignments! (One of them being my "final"!) OMG! I finally did something EARLY for German! I really wanted to like...turn in my assessment early for Comm A but...didn't work...but I turned it in on time! And I feel that it was a really thoughtful and heartfelt assessment/reflection. =D

Speaking about reflections...I've been reflecting on my...life. And well...to be put in a few words...

I'm scared out of my mind.

I'm not like...emo about it or anything, but that's the scary part!! It seems like I have no motivation and when I do get little sparks of motivation, it lasts about an hour...then I like...stop. o.O It's the strangest thing!

I mean, I like don't CARE about anything anymore! I don't care about my grades, I don't care about my major, I don't care about PK...I dun care about anything or anyone!!! WTF???

So. I've made up my mind. I'm going to get my ass kicked. That's right. Get my ass kicked. I've been SPOILED my whole life, my parents have given me everything I need to survive, and I don't even have to do anything in return except for the dishes. My siblings have experienced all the wrong things in life, so I can be aware of them, and again...I don't have to do anything. But my not doing anything...I'm not doing anything!! I need to like...get out there in the cold, cruel world, get my ass raped by it, then come back as a valuable person! yay!! That's my plan...

But I don't want to do it alone...and I don't think I have to, but every time I try to do things all by my onesy self...things get REALLY messed up, and the sad thing is, it's just not for me, but I somehow manage to get like half of the world involved too. 0.o

But when I do it with some "help" I always develop this very strong dependency on the other person or people...and end up not contributing anything. o.O

So I dunno whats to do...I think I just have to find a balance between both. yeah. balance.

I mean, I need to gain some independence...but I can't be an antisocial...sociopath lol.

so. this is my first step. i'm studying. BY MYSELF. without the distraction of friends or family. but i plan on going to my sister either later today or tomorrow (well....I'm sleeping over anyway so oh well) and going over my studies. =D

I guess it's good that I got this...on finals week...but better late then never huh? I can start the Spring semester with a whole new outlook on life! =D And next year! OMG! When I finally move out so I can REALLY discipline myself with...money and time management!!

...gosh...I'm growing up so fast...it's SCARY. (that's why i is scared)