dang, that smarts.

it's not intellectual. it's pure information.

man.

i really do miss the good times we had.

why you have to go all crazy fo'?!

in all our pictures we were always smiling, and they were always genuine...then they started becoming more and more fake...and then we started taking less and less pictures...then we stopped taking pictures...then we stopped talking...then we stopped seeing each other...then we stopped missing each other...then i go and reminisce and start missing the old you again...

WEAKKK

i'm weakkkkkkksauce.

studying?

i'm seriously laughing my ass off. my myself. at a table.

people looking for a table must hate me.

but i'm having so much fun xD

JOIN ME PEOPLEEEE =[

i feel like shit.

but at least i feel good bout myself. :]

i want to be a part of something

seeing all these greeks getting...in i guess, i dunno the terminology makes me sooo jealoussss =[

i want to like...i dunno, be a part of something...but it's sooooo much commitment eughhhh

eh. whatever.

we are one

first of all, i love that song from lion king 2.

second of all, i hate it when people lose their individuality when they become committed in a relationship.

we see them all around. they're always like "me and him" "him and me" "me and her" "her and me" "me and my bf" "my gf and i" "my booooo" "my babeee" "my babyboohunnybunchesofoats"

their profile pictures are of THEM, they're statuses are about THEM, every time you invite ONE of them to an event they say "oh, i'll see if WE can make it"

ugh.

sure. have your relationship, and be happy with it too. but sometimes, just sometimes, i just want my friend. JUST my friend. not my friend and her bf. not my friend and his gf. just. my. friend.

GOD. am i the only one that didn't take it literally when i heard the phrase "we are one" or "we make each other whole"??? might as well just super glue yourselves to each other, you're already inseparable and apparently incapable of being apart from each other for an extended period of time without getting withdrawal.

SHIIIIT. then there are those NOSY ASS MOTHERFUCKERS who WON'T stop asking about your current relationship status. "how are you?" "how's the boyfriend?" "oh..that sucks, why did he do that?" "are you guys still together?"

ARRGHFUAVENAOHVEWOGH

there's more to a person than their relationship and there's more to life than your bf/gf/hubby/wifey. just sayin'. don't lose yourself. ever. for anyone.

yo.

i just realized something.

things that usually push people away aren't what you HAVE done, it's what you HAVEN'T done.

for example, someone can cheat on someone else. now, it's not the act of cheating that drives the other person away, it's the lack of respect, loyalty and fidelity.

another example: someone's not "feelin' the love" anymore. like maroon 5 says in their song, misery, "it's not what i didn't feel, it's what i didn't show." so...it's not that the love isn't there, it's just the love isn't being felt

and it's great that i realize this now, because...i dunno, the phrase "i'm sorry for what i've done" has always pissed me off (except i LOVES the song "what i've done" by linkin park) and now i know! because it ISN'T what you do, it's what you DON'T do. so next time a relationship's falling apart, don't focus on what's being "done," focus on what's not there anymore and bring it back (ok, i just got "do you remember" by jay sean stuck in my head now xD)

yep.

you know my family so much better than i do. good job! *throws two thumbs up!

no effort

you know what i just realized? i've been saying "if you're not gonna put any effort in to this relationship [not THAT kind of relationship, any kind :D], then it's not worth it" a lot lately...and then i realized that...relationships really take no effort at all.

trippy, ain't it?

i know there's all those relationship help books out there, and there are probably a lot of marriage counselors out there that are going to like die if they ever read what i just said. but...if you look at it, it's true, relationships don't take no effort at all.

now, you may not agree or get along or even like someone you're in a relationship with all the time. and no, it's not the "boyfriend/girlfriend" kind of relationship only, it's any relationship you have to another person. your mother, father, brother, sister, child, friend, classmate, coworker, random stranger on the street. but if you really care about that person, you're willing to compromise almost unconsciously so that the both of you stay on those terms. and it's mutual, so it's not just you, that's the beauty of it.

i mean like...there are people out there who like to TALK about EVERYTHING. and GOD it's pretty annoying sometimes, they always gotta SAY how they FEEL and how they FEEL when someone does SOMETHING. yeah, that's great and all, you're getting it out there with no facade; but honestly, you can talk all you want but if someone isn't listening, you're just wasting your breath and both of your times.

okok, now i'm not saying that in a relationship you don't talk AT ALL. you talk. a lot too. but you don't ALWAYS have to talk about EVERYTHING you feel and how you feel about EVERYTHING. because...well, that will only string a bunch of really boring conversations (and if you're into that, you need some more excitement in your life. go sky diving or something).

i guess what i'm ultimately trying to say is...if there's chemistry there, you would rarely need a catalyst. yeah, you might need it to spark a reaction or to get something going, but it's usually minimal. and if it seems like you're putting in so much effort and time into making something come out of this, and there isn't anything happening, then maybe it's just not meant to happen. and you should go off and try to see if it'll hit off great somewhere else. (and that's right, i just did a chemistry analogy >=D)

strong. beautiful. confident.

weak. ugly. insecure. that's what you really are. if you constantly need someone to tell you that you are a strong, beautiful, confident person, i really don't think you are. because a strong, beautiful, confident person rarely needs to be told that they are, they already know.

i mean, sure sometimes you need a friendly reminder. but seriously, if every other thing that's coming out of someone's mouth to you is "remember, you are a strong, beautiful woman" then...maybe you aren't as strong or as beautiful as you think, or as they say you are.

and you know what, it's ok to be weak; you can always gain strength. it's ok to be ugly; everyone's beautiful, it takes courage to be ugly. and it's ok to be insecure; the people who are always confident are usually douchebags.

what's best is knowing who YOU are, and not letting someone else tell you who you are. so what if you're weak? you can get stronger (you WILL get stronger). so what if you're not beautiful? you aren't there to impress someone else. and so what if you're insecure? you can still be right, just not be sure.

and FUCK all those people who's only advice is "you are strong" FUCKING SHIT. i already KNOW that, i don't need you to tell me, that's not even fucking advice, that's just a statement. fucking shit. and sometimes i don't need fucking advice, i don't need you to say anything, i just want you to fucking listen, let me vent, and then forget about what i just said so you can't go around talking shit about me behind my back or using it against me later.

think i'm too stupid to catch on?

dumbass. go ahead and undermine me, i guess it's just to my advantage.

cockblocked!

:O

oh, and before you get a big head...

you're not the world to me. :]

but thanks for making it so easy to forgive myself. you've been doing that so often lately that it's starting to make me think that it's an easy thing to do. almost natural. i mean...i guess so, why be upset with myself when i'm not wrong, right?

crazy posse

ok. something that i'm kinda scared about is...being unjustly bias. and a way to be like that is by surrounding yourself with a crazy posse of people. what i mean when i say "crazy posse" is...pretty much, a whole shit ton of people who all have the same ideas. i mean like EXACTLY the same. and when you bring up something, they're all agreeing and it just makes the idea or standpoint on the subject even more bias.

ok, that doesn't make sense. so i'll do an example :D

say, you like puppies. and whenever you say "i like puppies" your friends and family are also like "omg! i like puppies too!" "puppies are awesome" "puppies!!" then it just reinforces your love for puppies. and puppies are amazing and all, but if they're all you know, and they're all you and your people talk about, how will you ever know the joys of kitties? in fact, you might even become bias against kitties and start saying shit like "puppies are better than kitties any day" "my puppy is better than your kitty" "anyone who likes kitties are stupid and don't know what's good" now...puppies or kitties aren't better than the other, it's a preference. kitties are better for some people, and puppies are better for others. that's all there is. but, you can still get it in your head that one IS better than the other, not just for you, but for the world.

and that's pretty darn scary isn't it??

i mean like...how could you be friends with someone you disagree with ALL THE TIME? but that doesn't mean that you should be friends with someone who does agree with you all the time. if all your friends agree on something, then something's wrong. (of course, there's always that ONE friend whose gotta play devil's advocate, and frankly, that person gets really annoying)

i mean, i get pretty paranoid sometimes. like...sometimes i go over conversations and then i get a freaked out like "holy shit! we're a crazy posse!" but..i hope we're not? i mean...i realize that i rant and bitch about people all the time, but i hope that none of you guys will like...judge them until you've kinda met them for yourselves, because when i'm ranting, i'm really emotional and i may exaggerate a lot of things, so give that person some benefit of the doubt when i'm ranting :D

shaaady ass mothafucka. whatever. fuck you too then.

hm.

dumbass punk bitches think they're smarter than me? fine. fuck it. don't think i can't figure shit out. in case you forgot; i own you.

this sounds terrible...

but sometimes when people cite the bible, i seriously think to myself "what the fuck does this have to do about anything?" talk about lost in translation. i mean...gosh, at least explain the quote after you put it up, some people seriously just quote like five passages in a row and then we're like supposed to understand what they're trying to say. i don't fucking get it. and it's not because i'm not christian, i mean, the bible's a book so if i think about it, i should be able to interpret it right? but i can't! it's just like...i don't get how that passage helps your argument at all and it just makes me feel that you have made me waste my time reading that.

oh please,

yeah, you're a bitch. but not the bad bitch you think you are, you're just a punk ass bitch. shut the fuck up.

punk ass bitch.

i don't fucking kid when i say shit. unlike you.

fuck.

i am seriously THIS CLOSE || to kicking some ass all the way back in time.

what a dumbass...

it's because of her that you can fuck around all you want without having to worry about jack shit, and you dare call her a bitch? i'll show you a bitch. and you don't know the meaning of hell, don't make me give you an example. stop making yourself the victim and grow the fuck up already.

smart and stupid people

the difference is: stupid people think. smart people know.

FUCK IT

why does it seem that my brain had dead??

uniqueness...

...is so overrated.

"be unique. just like the rest of us" -holycrapdude (for those of you who do not know, holycrapdude was my...screen name? for a really long time. yeah, everyone thought i was a guy...even online people mistake me for a guy...=/)

i mean, sure, you're not like me, but just because you're not like me doesn't mean that you're more yourself.

i mean, seriously, i would rather have a million people that are exactly the same, but are real instead of five "unique" people who are fake.

like...i dunno, this is hard to explain.

like...what's so horrible about being like everyone else? what's wrong with having the same opinions as a lot of other people? what's wrong with dressing just like everyone else? what's wrong with doing your hair just like everyone else? or listening to what everyone else is? or reading the same books?

here's the thing; it takes someone...extremely extraordinary to be...unique. and not everyone is extremely extraordinary. most everyone is just plain old ordinary.

and there's absolutely nothing wrong with that.

i mean, what's wrong with thinking like the majority? they're a majority for a reason! if you think like a minority, then you are...pretty much a freak. in case you haven't noticed, all smart people are freaks!

not to say that being smart or being a freak is a bad thing, so long as you're being yourself.

well, i guess...i dunno, what i'm trying to say is. just be real. whether you're like everyone else or not, it shouldn't matter because...you'll at least be you. let others be whoever the hell they want to be so long as you know who you are.

gggggggggggggggggggggggoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooddddddddddddddddddddddddddddd

just fucking kill yourself then, spare me the trouble!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

you can put the blame on me

ok, i think i've listened to akon's "put the blame on me" like fifteen times in the last like three days so...i dunno, it really does get me thinking about being the bigger person...and like..i feel that i should really apologize to someone. and i'm truly sincere when i say this.

the problem isn't you and it's definitely not me, it's us. now, i'm not just saying that so that no one's the bad guy, it's true. we're better people when we're not together. the more time we spend apart, the more civil we are to each other.

i'm sorry that i didn't see that earlier, and i'm especially sorry to have put the blame on you.

but i'm most sorry for holding you back. i see now that you're happier without me, i don't think i've ever made you laugh like that, and i'm sorry for not ever giving you that happiness, but i'm really glad that you've been able to spread your horizons.

i'm not going to attempt to regain the relationship we did have, i'm just going to preserve the memory. you and i both know that it'll be foolish to keep this charade and facade up, so let's just give it up.

we had a good thing, but we've grown up and apart. that's not a bad thing, but staying together is. let's not ruin the good times we had with the bad times that might come.

i hope for the bestest for you and i'm glad that we simply drifted apart instead of exploding into oblivion.

i thank you for all the fun times and all the memories, and i'm glad that we will be able to reflect on them in the future instead of just ignoring each other.

you better be lying

or else you can rot in hell.

hmmmmmm

i definitely would not pay money (not to mention about 20-30 per session) for some pictures taken by some "photographers"

i know that's cheap compared to professional pictures...buuuut i feel that i could do it myself for free for crappier quality. i don't need good pictures anyway so shoooo.

originality

some people lack it. others don't realize they do. those who don't realize it are...pretty darn sad. especially when they think they are original.

"don't judge a book by it's cover"

wellll, sometimes a cover's all you have to judge a book by. i mean, seriously, who has the time to research a book? sometimes you just pick a book off the shelf, read the synopsis and decide to read it or not. and sometimes when the publisher's a bitch and doesn't tell you the synopsis, you gotta make a judgement call on whether it appears interesting enough or not. and some books never catch your eye.

you know why? because looks do matter. no matter how many ugly people tell you that looks don't matter, they do.

you know why they matter? because...why won't they? looks are more than just your face, it's the clothes you wear, it's how you stand, it's how you walk, it's your facial expressions, it's your voice. everything matters, so don't even say "not everyone is born pretty" you know what? i'm starting to think that NO ONE is born pretty, it's just a matter of who's best at making you THINK they are pretty.

lemme say one word: swagger. some people have it, some people don't. however, everyone is capable of obtaining it. some people know how to get it better than others but that doesn't mean that you can't teach yourself to get some (get some!).

so what point am i trying to get to? ummm...how about just...don't not care about your looks? don't go around thinking "whatever, i don't care about what people think of me, they don't know me" well, yeah, they don't know you and if you keep that mindset NO ONE'S going to know you and you know what you're going to become? a FREAK. a lonely, lonely FREAK. and when you start hating the world because they don't "get" you, maybe the problem isn't with how the world's reading you, it's how you're presenting yourself.

i pity those who do not understand the strength and power of family.

miley cyrus.

she's a popular topic lately so i'm gonna blog about her too! hehe :D (i was gonna do a fb status but i felt that that didn't do justice to what i'm about to say, especially since i have the tendency to rant. like now)

anyways.

my girl miley is a whore. a skank. one without decent clothes.

and you know what? that really sucks. it's rather sad.

i just can't find it in my heart to justify her actions. at all. and maybe it's because i've seen a lot of arguments against her and not much for her that it's causing me to be a bit bias but...deep in my moral core, i do not support her doing what she's doing. at all.

sure, you want the world to know you're all "growed up" but taking your clothes off and TRYING to turn yourself into the next sex symbol isn't the way to do it. whether you are a celebrity or not, growing up doesn't only mean ready for sex or baby having. even some grown ups aren't ready for babies. so what's the difference between a grown up and a child, a kid or a teenager?

technically, it's age. but let's get real here, age is just a number. some people have to grow up faster than others, and some people never grow up at all. so just because you're 16, 18, 21, 25, 108 doesn't give you the right to be a whore, or selfish, or a bad role model.

basically, what i'm trying to say is...no matter what age you are, you should just be a good person. sure you may run into some identity crisis or maybe you had a rough patch in your life. whatever. all i'm trying to say is...just be a good person. and show the world that you are a good person. don't take extremes to make a point, because i get the feeling that most people won't get the point across.

it's all society

easy as hell to blame society, ain't it?

racism = because of society

sexual orientation intolerance = because of society

gender inequality = because of society

terrorism = because of society

oppression = because of society

people being fat = because of society

people being skinny = because of society

people being stupid = because of society

people being smart = because of society

too much facebook = because of society

too much homework = because of society

too much taxes = because of society

societysocietysociety. well. this goddamn society's gotta change a lot of themselves, don't it?

well, guess what? quit blaming society and start taking action yourself because you know what? we ARE society.

the definition of a society is a group of people that's related politically, culturally or spiritually. so basically, any relation you have to someone makes you a society.

so...who are we really blaming here? ourselves. however, the sad thing is, it seems that people have begun to make an idea that a "society" is a separate thing altogether. it's almost like you're taking the blame off yourself and throwing it onto this theoretical thing known as "society." it's all "society's" fault.

well, i think this "society" has too much of a power over the mind of people. remember: we. are. society. if there's a problem with it, that means there's a problem with us. so if we have a problem with us, who else to change it other than...us?

and don't even fucking argue that "you can't change the mind of the majority blahblahblah" well FUCK THAT. at LEAST start the change with yourself! it does a hell of a lot more than just bitching about it, blaming it on something that doesn't even really exists! you never know who sees you, so if you just change yourself in a way that you know will help the world in a positive way, you're bound to inspire someone. and they're bound to inspire someone else. it's better to inspire one person, then be known as the bitch who can't handle society's standards.

man. every time someone says "well, in our society.." or "well, it's their society..." it really just...really just pisses me off. just because you grew up with it doesn't make it right. if someone grew up in an abusive home, does it make it ok for them to be abusive as well? those who do not question their upbringing really need to...start questioning. seriously. what if there's something better out there that you're not aware of? what if there was something wrong with the way you live and you weren't even aware of it? what if your "normal" isn't...normal? and an even better question is: what if your normal isn't right?

i mean to use the word "right" in that question in terms of...human equality. of basic human rights and basic laws of justices...just basically, something that we all deserve as living creatures. i mean, growing up, didn't you ever even a little bit, wonder why boys and girls did something different? why kids that aren't of the same race don't hang out with kids of another race? why the food you eat are different than the food of your friends? some of these are insignificant differences, but some of these need serious consideration.

i guess instead of complaining about problems, we should ask how the problems began, in instead of wallowing in how the problems began, we should look for ways to solve them.

moral of the story: stop bitching. "be the change you want to see in the world" -gandhi (holy shit, i just misspelled his name like sixty times...i'm sorry joe)

dependence

you're not open enough. you're not forgiving enough. you're not understanding enough. you're expecting too much out of a single person.

i fucking hate how everyone's looking for "someone i can always turn to, to make me happy on my worse days..." blahblahblahblahfuckingblah.

seriously? you want ONE person to do that? just to let you know, there are six BILLION people here on earth, if you want all of that from just ONE person...good luck with that. i don't think there's a single person out there that can deal with so much...dumbass.

and not only that but are YOU willing to be that person in return? do you think you're "there" for another person all the time? are you so selfless that you always drop everything you're doing for that other person? then feel alllll betrayed when they don't return the favor?

well, understand this: unconditional love is selfless. if you really unconditionally love someone, you really don't give a damn if they love you back. if you really care for someone, it doesn't matter if they don't care for you the same way you care for them. you know why? because you'll love them no matter what. unconditional love isn't about a trade off "i'll love you if you love me" "i'll care after you only if you're there for me when i need you" no, it's just..."i'm here for you." there's no "me" in the equation, and i don't think there's a person in the world out there that has this capacity of selflessness. except for mothers. mothers are freaking awesome. and daddies. daddies are also freaking awesome.

"you can have my leftovers"

wellllllllll...somebody's not over their ex.

(ok, i just realized that i'm doing a lot of quote titles but...eh whatever, they're what comes to mind :D)

but you know when like a couple breaks up and then they go and see other people? but then an ex is all like "oh, that's my trash. i guess one man's trash is another man's treasure" and they have this like...attitude where they like still own their ex or whatnot but they're like totally "over" them.

well, news flash. as far as i know, y'all broke up. s/he is available, and you aren't a part of any of their lives anymore.

and seriously? what makes you think you own someone in the first place? calling someone your "trash" kinda makes them like...your property. just to let you know, if you throw out a couch, it's up for grabs; if you break up with someone, they're a free for all too.

i mean, i remember back in middle school we would always say this. "oh, she's just picking up her trash" "oh, he's been passed around the whole group of friends, he's they're trash" but that's because...well, it was middle school, i didn't put much thought into these things.

but gosh, it's sad when people don't grow out of mindsets like this...it actually makes them look pretty darn pathetic. it's so obvious that you haven't moved on yet if you care about who your ex is dating. if you really have moved on, you really could care less and just live your own life.

another quote i hate is "i saw your ex and s/he's ugly" like...wooooow, you're such a prize and how dare s/he dump you for someone uglier! god forbid that people stop being shallow and ugly people should always give up the cream of the crop to beautiful people because ugly people don't deserve happiness.

seriously. get over it and get over yourself. then get a life. then give me money :D

dancin' in the rain

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DF0AL3gaNLQ

mmm, this got stuck in my head...and gosh. i love bi rain sooooo god damn much...sexy mothafucka.

"you don't know me"

weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeell who's fucking fault is that???

god, i hate it when people are all like "people think they know me, but they don't" well, guess what? people only know what you tell them. and if they go digging in your business, you wouldn't like it now would you?! so don't be throwing fits because people don't "know you" why don't you just start telling people more about yourself then? geeez.

"i'm a model!"

yeah...take your clothes off, do a "sexy" pose and boom! you is a model! just like tyra and giselle!

no, actually, you're just a whore...

i hate how people think sexy is always like...loads of make up and very little clothes...i mean, anyone can be "sexy" kneeling on her knees putting on that "fuck me" face so wouldn't it be an actual skill if you can be sexy with your clothes on?

yeah, sexy has the word "sex" in it, but that doesn't mean...be a whore. no, i think it's completely possible to be sexy and have your clothes on. it's also possible to turn someone on while being completely clothed.

also, how the hell can you do that to yourself? degrade yourself into an image, an object of sexual desire, do you not have any substance in you? do you not have any respect for you or your body?

now, i know that nudity is usually associated with sex, because when you have sex, you are usually nude (unless it's a quickie, then you're not necessarily completely nude, but let's not get into details). but i personally think that just because you're nude doesn't automatically mean that you're ready to be sexed.

like...for example, David. (yeah, huge historical sculpture, David) David, as we all know, is very much nude. and he is, as we all know, very very very sexy. however, i dunno about you guys, but i honestly do not get turned on when i see him. i appreciate his...masculinity, i really do. he's a sexy 15 year old. however, the sculpture doesn't scream "fuck me." it pretty much shows a human being in his most natural state, nude.

and i honestly feel that nudity is very beautiful, there's no illusion from your clothes making you appear longer or skinnier, there's nothing hiding you. it's all of you in your most natural state. no illusions. and i'm pretty upset that nudity is so associated with sexual activity.

and by the way, is sex really that bad? many societies in the world in the span of history see sex as a horrific act. accepted only in the privacy of a married couple, talked about in innuendos but never discussed in full of itself. and i've always thought that it's weird, because sex can be a very beautiful thing, but it's such a...sensitive topic. and it's almost universal in almost every culture in the history of mankind spanning the globe. i don't know why this is, and i don't exactly want to find the answer, i'll leave that to the anthropologists. but honestly...sex and nudity isn't that bad, so why do we treat it like it's the plague?

wow, this blog post has taken quite a turn that i wasn't exactly expecting. o.o

anyway. just because a professional photographer takes a picture of you and with all his little studio umbrellas and whatnot doesn't make you a model. it just means that that photographer is most likely a pervert. :D

fake people.

what does it mean to be fake?

i guess it determines who you ask...but i think overall, everyone agrees that a fake person is someone who obviously has a personality issue.

anyway.

i feel that...just because you're polite doesn't mean you're fake. i think that just because you're pleasant doesn't mean you're fake. i think that just because you're nice doesn't mean you're fake.

because if that's the case...then it means that you really are a mean, rude, bitch of a person. but pretend to be a nice, sweet person so that people will like you. and...i don't think there's anyone out there that's...that terrible of a person.

and anyone who thinks that being respectful or being nice is being fake, you really need a reality check. just because i don't cuss out anyone who annoys me doesn't mean that i'm a pushover or that i'm fake. it means that i'm a fucking lady.

I didn't say that

Well, you sure as hell implied it. So why don't you stop being such a punk ass bitch and own up to your barking?

hey vegans and vegetarians

just a fyi...animals eat other animals too. human beings aren't the only ones that love the sweet tender juiciness of another being.

just thought you should think about that :]

ass violation.

ok, dunno why i titled it that but i thought it was funny xD

but yeah. glad to know that people can talk to me. i've never really been "that" person...y'know, the one that people talk to, but i remember really wanting to be that person in like middle school...then kinda gave up after realizing that sennett was full of people who have never had an original thought in their mind and who don't really have problems but thought they did.

but anyway.

i was also scared to be that person though. because i always thought that i wasn't mature enough, wasn't smart enough, and wasn't nice enough to be that person. because i think i'm a little, tiny bit evil in my core.

but then i find people starting to open up to me more and more...and i found that sometimes people just needs someone to listen. not looking for advice or anything, just...an ear. and it came...pretty naturally to me. i didn't have to say anything, i just have to sincerely care about that person.

i mean...i feel that i'm a pretty open person. i sometimes lie about the littlest thing, but i'm generally a pretty open person. i wear my heart on my sleeve. you can tell when i'm happy and when i'm upset...i think.

but not a lot of people feel that they know me...well...i'm not that complicated. i'm not some complex being with multitudes and full of complicated feelings or whatnot. i'm...just me. what you see is usually what you get with me. i'm all me all the time :]

self image

cute picture eh?

but seriously. it surprises me to no end how wrong some people see themselves. some people think they're fatter than they really are. some people think they look better than they really do. some people think they're unique, even though they are exactly like everyone else. some people think that they're working so much harder than they really are. some people think they're right when they are in reality, so so very much wrong.

and i cannot stand these people at all.

how can you be so shallow and narrow minded? you can't see yourself from another perspective, so who are you to judge other people? you don't even know yourself or how others think of you. a lot of people think "oh, i don't care what others think of me" but you SHOULD. because sometimes, they might show you something that you're unaware of yourself. some people might think you're some stuck up bitch, and even if you know in your heart that you aren't, you should try to understand why in the world they would think such a thing. and change yourself so that they would change their mind.

and what also annoys me is when people are all "oh, damn straight i'm a bitch. i'm the baddest bitch out there."

no. NO. being a bitch is BAD. you DON'T want to be a bitch or known to be a bitch.

changing yourself doesn't mean that you don't accept yourself, it means that you love yourself enough to accept that you have flaws and are dealing with them in a positive way.

ok well, this blog post is going in an unexpected direction. i was gonna rant about some bitch but ended up talking about something else hehe xD

wow.

seriously? this is...pretty pathetic. trying not be bias. but just seeing how quick you are to throw all the blame on someone else makes me wonder about your character.

30 DC - Catching up

ok. so. missed 5 days. and here they are!

Day 6 - Whatever tickles your fancy

ok. i love that saying "whatever tickles your fancy" it's so...i dunno, funny to me :D

but hmmm...well, first things first.

lately, i have been abandoned at my parent's place because we were supposed to help around the house while my parents went to michigan. so me and zong come back for the weekend, or so i thought. so we get here friday night and i go do farmer's market saturday morning (and omg, doing the registration stuff without my mom was so SCARY - but i still did it :D) and zong rushes back to the apt for a party her friends were hosting (kinda bogus, i know, but we all just kinda didn't really give a damn for her either hmph).

now...i knew she wanted to go to milwaukee to help out my sister moua, who's pregnant, now, she's only 5 months pregnant...but she's kinda stupid, so she needs a lot of help even with little stuff. but anyway. i knew that she wanted to go, and i knew that they were planning on going, but i thought that they would only be gone for a week, and i thought that zong would leave me her keys so i'm not stranded at the apt while she's gone.

well, guess how wrong i was? zong never returns from the party because she rushes off to milwaukee the morning afterwards. along with her keys. she doesn't even drop them off to me! like...WTFH????? ugh. so i'm stranded at my parent's place for not just one week, but THREE weeks. with no clothes. no phone charger. no TOOTHBRUSH. pretty much nothing. and i had NO WARNINGGG

so yeah. kinda sucks. but it's ok. i went to go buy new clothes :D

Day 7 - A Photo That Makes You Happy

brb

Day 8 - A Photo That Makes You Upset

brb with this too, gotta find a way to show pictures or whatever

Day 9 - A Photo You Took

ugh. brb.

Day 10 - A Photo Taken of You 10 Years ago

b.r.b.

30DC - Favorite Quote

wow. this is a big category ain't it? hmmmmmmmmm

well...*sigh*...i don't really know

there are a lot of great quotes out there but i find that a quote is at it's peak of amazingness only when it applies to you at that certain situation.

maybe you're writing a paper on fashion and feminism, well, maybe this quote will be awesome for ya

or maybe you're feeling a little down about your achievements in life or something, maybe this quote will make you feel better about yourself

so...i don't know. i don't really have a set favorite quote because there's no one quote that applies to everything in my entire life :D

30DC - Favorite Book

hm. i don't read a lot. there was a time when i did. i LOVED reading. still do. i'm rather upset that i haven't had the chance to just curl up with a good book lately. sads. ='[

however. my favorite book? hmmmmmm.....i've read a lot of good novels back in my day...but none wowed me enough for me to deem my "favorite"

30DC - Favorite TV Program

hm. first of all, i fail at watching tv. lol

and well...i love love love the simpsons, i've been watching it for like my whole life and i still loves it to death :D

failure

ok, i have to run off and catch the bus in like ten minutes so this will be a quick post

i dunno, this is just like...running around in my head and i gotta spit it out before yeah.

anyway.

just because you're not dead last doesn't mean you haven't lost.

just because you're not at the bottom of the class doesn't mean that you're not failing.

and in the end, no one else matters. it is up to you. so it doesn't matter how everyone else measures up, it's how you measure up.

so stop feeling good about yourself from other people's failure and stop being a failure yourself.

30DC - Favorite Movie

So. Favorite movies eh?

hmm, well, i've recently seen Toy Story 3. and cried. been a long long time since i cried during a movie. super good and awesome. and i just loved it. especially the baby. and barbie and ken. and buzz. and ahh just all of it. you don't even have to watch the first two, you just...remember it as if it was a part of your childhood because...it IS a part of your childhood. it's amazing. :D definitely the movie i recommend the most this summer.

having said that, i have also recently watched Inception. and O.M.G. SEXY movie. like. wow.

just. wow. i've seen about half a million statuses saying it was mind blowing, so i don't want to use it to describe this movie. but no. you have to say. it's MIND BLOWING. and intense. and like. wow. sexy. lol

ok, first of all, it has leonardo dicaprio in it. that just almost guarantees that it'll be a good movie lol and second of all, it doesn't have any other super duper major a-list stars, so you know it's not another one of those movies where they clump together all of these big names and then fail with a story line. but nevertheless, it delivers. if none of these actors get another major job right after this movie, i will just lose faith in the system. because everyone was amazing and i loved them all. and they were all super sexy.

and how can i forget about eclipse?? OMG. SUPER SEXY MOVIE. like. wow. i didn't think i could fall more in love with taylor lautner. and guess what? i did. fucker. gosh. love that man. hehe and like...i don't even know man. that movie was soooo awkward that. i can't even. wow. i can't even like. wow. so twilight. haha

but talking about my absolute favorite movie. i would have to say it rests on: finding nemo and wall-e. both disney pixar. amazing ain't it? hehe

the thing is. finding nemo. like. omg. it just makes my life. i cried in that movie too. like...i don't know what it is about that movie. it just has a really special place in my heart. it's just...marlin's determination to get nemo back really...i dunno, it really touches me. :D

and WALL-E omg. wow. wall-e. the first ten seconds of the first trailer i saw of wall-e, i knew that it was going to be good. and it was phenomenal! omg! i just LOVE it! ahhhhhhhhhh wall-e and eve are like....one of my favorite couples of all time. love them to death and...ahh just so happy :D

30DC - Favorite Song

well, lately i've been in love with Enrique Iglesias' "I Like It" i first heard it when linda (my roomie) played it and...it was just so catchy that i fell in love with it :D also i loooooves enrique and pitbull so ahhh xD i normally hate catchy songs because i feel that there's not much talent that you like about the song it simply just gets stuck in your head then you're forced to like it in order to remain sane.

however, i dunno if it's my absolute favorite song ever, but it really has very special place in my heart, The Jackson 5's "I'll Be There" i simply just loooove baby michael, every time i get super duper depressed or something, i just pop on this song and i feel a little better. even when i'm ok, i just sometimes want to listen to this song :D

and ever since i was a little girl, i've always always always loved loved loved loved loooovvveedd this song, it's soooooo ahhhh sooo awesome to me. if i ever get married, i'd like this to be played at my wedding at the end of the day or something :D ahhhhhhhh this song is probably the best way to win my heart too xD

it's luj yaj's "xav kom wb sib tau" and ahhhh i just love love love luj yaj :D

30 Day Challenge!

This 30-day-challenge thingie has been going around on tumblr, and now few people have done it on youtube aswell, so i was thinking why not do this in my blog! This way I get something to post everyday and you guys can get to know me little better. The challenge is to post everyday about the topic that's set for the day. So I'm starting this right away after this post. The topics are:

Day 01 — Your favorite song
Day 02 — Your favorite movie
Day 03 — Your favorite television program
Day 04 — Your favorite book
Day 05 — Your favorite quote
Day 06 — Whatever tickles your fancy
Day 07 — A photo that makes you happy
Day 08 — A photo that makes you angry/sad
Day 09 — A photo you took
Day 10 — A photo of you taken over ten years ago
Day 11 — A photo of you taken recently
Day 12 — Whatever tickles your fancy
Day 13 — A fictional book
Day 14 — A non-fictional book
Day 15 — A fanfic
Day 16 — A song that makes you cry (or nearly)
Day 17 — An art piece (painting, drawing, sculpture, etc.)
Day 18 — Whatever tickles your fancy
Day 19 — A talent of yours
Day 20 — A hobby of yours
Day 21 — A recipe
Day 22 — A website
Day 23 — A YouTube video
Day 24 — Whatever tickles your fancy
Day 25 — Your day, in great detail
Day 26 — Your week, in great detail
Day 27 — This month, in great detail
Day 28 — This year, in great detail
Day 29 — Hopes, dreams and plans for the next 365 days
Day 30 — Whatever tickles your fancy

god.

i fucking love you, Nelson Mandela

"The greatest glory in living lies not in never falling, but in rising every time we fall." -Nelson Mandela

you&me

i wish your perspective of me was as accurate as my perspective of you.

i wish i can understand you a little bit better.

i wish i can get to know you a little bit better.

you don't have to open up more, i'd just have to take what i can get and understand it better.

but a little understanding isn't too much to ask, is it? just see me for me and don't think you know me when you are so wrong about me.

hey you,

if it seems like i'm writing a blog post directed to you:

1. you're vain as hell

and

2. it is about you. so do something bout it.

post number 5

wow. i don't even know why i'm so emo. tonight was an amazing day and night.

no more soda after 10 for me. o.o

post number 4

wow. bloggin' juices just flowin' tonight aren't they? lol

but.

something i absolutely refuse to believe.

with my every being.

is that someone can fall so low, so fast.

i've seen it. i've seen people i have a lot of respect for fall to a place where i cannot even believe that they were the same person.

i refuse to believe this, because i refuse that someone as competent as that, someone as amazing as that can fall so far. and so fast.

the strongest person i know suddenly becomes the weakest. the smartest person i know suddenly becomes the dumbest. the person that i could always rely on suddenly becomes the one that relies most on me.

i wouldn't mind at all, had this been a gradual change. i wouldn't mind at all had i seen any bit of hope left in this person.

it seems like this person has died. and reincarnated into a being so unlike who they used to be. and right in front of my eyes. it happens so quickly i cannot grasp it. it happens so quickly i don't have the time to believe it just happened.

and the saddest part is...i'm not sure if they can recover.

i don't know if the person i used to respect so much can ever come back. and i don't know if i can love this new person. no matter how much i try, unless they change - they don't even have to change back, just change who they are now. but even then i'm not sure.

like i said. it's not even gradual.

it took just one, just one, traumatic event to change this person.

just one.

and not one that you suffered alone either. we all suffered. it affected us all.

but it seems like you're the only one still bothered by it.

we have all moved on. why haven't you?

it's not just us. countless others have suffered the same exact pain. the same exact situation.

and they were able to continue.

why is it eating only you up? why can't you let go?

by holding onto it, you're not giving yourself a chance to look forward, you're not giving yourself a chance to live again.

it kills me to see someone that used to be normal, deteriorate into this incompetent, stupid, worthless piece of dirt.

and it kills me even more that i can't help you.

it kills me that by offering you help, i risk just adding to your dependency. it kills me to not help you, but it hurts me even more knowing that by helping you directly, i'm indirectly killing your soul.

(ok, one should not listen to sad songs when blogging sad thoughts. totally not the same as with angry blogs where angry music fuels the passion. sad music just drains the heart.)

i really don't know what i can do. i can't leave you by yourself. but i can't give you another excuse to not help yourself.

i don't know what to do.

i can't focus on myself because you are a part of me. i am not helping myself by leaving you because by leaving you would be leaving a huge part of myself behind.

it's a slippery slope. but i'll do what i can to help you up. all i can do is throw you rope, you will have to pull yourself up. if i throw you a rope and you slip, all i can do is hold onto that rope with all of my strength. even if i pull the rope, you won't get anywhere unless you walk on your own two feet.

if this ever happens to me, if i struggle, fall and crash. i want abandonment.

i want loneliness.

because i cannot stand to be alone.

so if i was to be left all alone, i'd be forced to seek help. i'd be forced to admit that i have sunk this low, i'd be forced to see how much shit i really am in.

so that i'll see your rope, but also see that i have to pull myself up instead of having you pull me up.

i don't know what i'm going to do. i'm just going to live life. i'm going to offer my support. but if you fall, crash and burn...i can only stand by and watch.

unless you want me to fall, crash and burn with you so you won't be lonesome.

a sacrifice i'm willing to make so that i can free you from your own isolation.

third post tonight

wheeeewwww.

but.

it's so amazing how you can sound so right...but one sentence can make you sound just soooooo wrong.

you can analyze one so right but be absolutely so wrong in another.

it's amazing how you can make me feel like "yeah, this makes sense, this sounds right" but the next second make me think "no...this is so, so wrong"

but i guess you can't always be fully right.

empathy and sympathy

yes. another blog post. but melissa maily xiong's status inspired it so now i must rant.

her status goes: "dont tell me its okay when you havnt gone through it and you dont know how it feels."

so. i've been hearing this a lot. and by a lot of different people. and...coming from the perspective where a lot of people come to me for comfort, i tend to say "it's going to be ok" a lot. because guess what? it will be fucking ok. you may be struggling now, it may hurt a lot now, but in the end, life goes on, and if you can't go with the flow...maybe life for you shouldn't go on anymore. sounds horrible, but it's the truth.

and another thing, what i hear when people say this is that they are wishing this pain, and this horrible situation upon someone else. and that's unforgivable. "you don't know how much pain i'm in until you go through it then you'll see that nothing is going to be ok" it really sounds like..."i hope you go through this yourself so you can feel the pain i am feeling." you may not mean it like that. but that's what i'm hearing. there are things that people do not and cannot understand, and you have to understand that sometimes when you cannot understand your friends' pain, but you simply know that they are in pain. you don't know how to help them out but you want to help them out. you don't know what to say, but you want to say something.

does pain need a predecessor in order for there to be healing? does someone have to understand your pain in order for you to talk to them about it? you don't need someone to guide you through how to get through the pain, you sometimes just need someone there. open your eyes and just see the support that they have for you. if they didn't love you, they wouldn't give a damn enough to even listen to you bitch and moan about your life, so stop being such a dumbass and appreciate a friend sometimes.

uppercut

for those of you who dunno. an uppercut is a punch thrown to hit the chin from below.

here's a picture for ya: click

but it surprises me how narrow minded some people can be. they only compete with number one. they don't consider anyone else competition except the one that's "the best."

first of all, people who think this must be very arrogant because they feel that they are up to par with the proclaimed "best" of whatever competition it is.

and second of all, this is a suck ass strategy because they don't even consider anyone else as fair competition. who knows what you're up against then?

i titled this uppercut because sometimes you're so focused on attacking one point that sometimes you forget to defend yourself from the other arm, the theorized "weaker" arm and then that's when you let your guard down and get knocked out by something you didn't expect. you're so focused on what's going on with the right hand that you aren't aware of the dangers that the left hand poses.

same goes to competitions. you're so focused on one competitor that someone you don't even expect might just sneak up and beat the both of you. bust a ninja on yo asses.

lemme tell you this, there's no greater threat than new blood. you're not experienced with their style, they might do something that you wouldn't even consider and you might not have a strategy to save yourself from it. don't ever undermine rookies, they might get lucky, or they might be naturally good at it; but just because they can't understand it the first time, doesn't mean that they can't beat you the second or even the tenth time.

moral of the story: never let your guard down. to anybody. (in competitive situations of course :D)

maybe...

i'm a little bit more annoyed and bothered by it than i'm willing to admit or show...

bah!

i miss my babies!! i want a babyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy

and a puppy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

and a kitty!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

and a couple elephants!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

and a tiger!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

tsis nyiam zoo

i used to hate it whenever my mom would say that about me, but now i can see that there are some people that just don't know quality even when it's right there in front of their face.

i guess this issue comes up the most around food. my mom is an amazing cook, she doesn't give a damn about nutritional value or salt content, the only thing that matters for her is flava flava flava. so growing up, i grew up eating food full of flava flava flava. meaning that each meal is full of fresh fresh herbs, lots and lots of spices and without a lot of ingredients (usually just a protein and a couple veggies with some rice on the side).

and not only does the food taste good, but it looks good. my mommy didn't have to plate every dish but she did make me aware of giving food an aesthetic to it.

but it's all amazingly simple. my mom never spent longer than a hour and a half cooking dinner and she usually had about three entrees enough to feed about ten people, and it got even faster once me and my sisters started helping out.

so it really surprises me, as well as offends me, when people say "it's all the same to me" because it's NOT. some people take shortcuts and leave out some details and claim that it's "all the same" then waste time on something completely insignificant then the dish just tastes...empty. a lot of tricks don't even take that much time and they make a world of difference.

one thing that i remembered was when my sister and sister in law wanted to make koh poon and for some odd reason they wanted to use rotisserie chicken instead of just boiling up a raw chicken. you'd think that it'll taste better since the rotisserie chicken has all of the basting and seasonings on it but sometimes simplicity tastes so much better. now buying an already made chicken means that it cuts cooking time...and that's pretty much it. what doing that did to the whole dish was make it greasier, the extra seasonings didn't go well with the dish in itself and gave it a horrible aftertaste and the texture of the chicken was..slimeyer (? that a word??) than usual.

so even taking a simple shortcut can ruin a whole dish, sometimes you just gotta just deal with the little things like cooking a chicken.

but what annoys the SHIT outta me is when people focus so much on like a worthless detail instead of something IMPORTANT like the variety of garnishes available, they focus on something completely insignificant like how big the pieces of minced garlic is. the pieces of garlic are so FUCKING LITTLE that NO ONE is going to notice or give a damn! and it's fucking MINCED already! it doesn't fucking matter! no one's gonna eat it and take a bite of garlic because everything else in the dish is so much bigger than the minced garlic!

lead by example

i hate when people need to be lead by example.

a couple years ago, i finally understood the phrase "do as i say, not as i do" because people aren't perfect, especially teachers. but that doesn't mean that you shouldn't listen to what they say.

and if you have such a big problem with people not following their own advice, then say their advice right back to them. sometimes it's easier when someone else tells you what to do than figuring out what to do yourself.

when people stop listening to someone simply because they cannot "practice what they preach," it really bothers me. just because they don't follow their good advice doesn't mean you shouldn't follow their good advice, if they're too dumb to realize the wisdom of their words then you shouldn't lower yourself to their level and not follow their advice.

you can lose a lot of respect for someone as a human being, but always always always listen because you never know when someone you absolutely despise might say something that could change your life in a positive way.

ain't nothing wrong with me

so i dunno where you're getting all of this attitude, so you better take a good look at yourself because you're the only one having a problem with me. and you know it. take a good look at the situation and i think you'll come to realize that the problem isn't me, it's you.

i'm sorry.

but i think i hate pop music. i've changed and we don't go together like we used to. =[

however, i'll still listen to my childhood loves (bsb :D)

chargers!

what will i do without them??

seriously. i answered this question. and the answer is: i will get lost.

so. i lost my phone charger (dun ask how.)

then peter dies because the charger committed suicide.

so. no laptop, no usb port, no charging of darell.

so. peter dies. darell dies. i go to mai's house. i get lost.

=[

but guess what?? zong gave me the charger to her old curve and my new charger for peter came in the other day! yay!!!!

charger's galore!!

i want to play

right now.

"it's my life"

i feel that people who say this are very selfish. because when they say this, they're completely unaware of everyone who's involved in their life.

yes, it may be your life, and ultimately you have the final decision. there may be a lot of outside pressure, but in the end, it's all you.

but that decision doesn't only affect you.

there are people in your life who probably loves you more than you love yourself (impossible to understand, but true). and some decisions you make are going to hurt these people a lot. but since they love you more than you will ever know, they'll accept your decision, for the sake of your "happiness."

but sometimes you have to ask yourself, "do i love them more than i love myself?" because if you're any kind of a human being, you have got to realize that your actions have the possibility of hurting someone you care about, and you have to decide if their happiness is more important than your own.

whose side you on anyway?

when people give me two completely different sides to a story, it confuses the hell out of me.

both parties aren't telling me the whole truth and that to me, tells me that they don't see the whole truth. they can't see their own flaws, they're too immature to sympathize for the other party.

or they just don't want me to judge them.

this is just like all of those criminal tv shows where the po-pos have to constantly go back to someone for more information (CRUCIAL information) because the dumbass didn't give all of the info.

don't you think we'd need to know that one fact in order to solve anything?? i mean come on!! i'm only gonna judge you more BECAUSE you didn't tell me the whole truth, how the hell am i supposed to trust you now??

you should be mature enough to realize what you did wrong and own up to it. sometimes you need to say it out loud in order to hear what you're doing wrong, but sometimes you have to realize you're wrong. analyze all of the things you could have done differently and see how it would have changed the situation. it takes two to argue, so own up to it before you try to get someone else to help you out. the truth will come out eventually anyway so might as well be honest at the start.

messages.

i fucking hate being the messenger.

seriously, in the time that it takes you to tell me to tell the other person; you could have already told the other person and gotten an immediate response instead of waiting for me to tell you what they person said.

talk about inefficient.

what's worse is when you get yelled at for saying "why can't you do it?" well, why CAN'T you do it? YOU'RE the one that wants to know. YOU have the same connections and YOU are the one that needs the information. it doesn't affect me, i can care less if you get the info or not.

in fact, piss me off enough and i WON'T tell you what the other person said, or i won't even ask the other person. if you want to know enough. then you can fucking ask. it's not my problem.

sleep

Katie, hi.

2. in case you forgot, your daddy and brother are both like...giants so they'll be able to take down anyone who breaks in while you call the po-po's >=]

3. OMFG. i feel ya man. seriously, if i haven't been hanging out with everyone lately, i'd really just...let my brain rot and die nowadays. but when i'm actually home and doing something productive (like helping out my family) i end up complaining lots =___=;;

and if borders doesn't hire you then screw them! you can look for another job! =D you should call them up and be like "yo man, what's the dealio with my job?" xD

4. but dun worry bout it, school in the fall means a lot of things: purpose in life is once again restored, we get to see each other ERRDAY =D, and...well, campus will be full of hot guys again >=]

5. this made me sads. =[ but dun think about that kind of stuff! just live and love while you still can!! =D and we can get a puppy together!! =D

8. LOL

9. you. are. writing. a. book. one. of. these. days. >=D

10. you can always talk to me!!! =D

11. i have no idea what you mean...but i'll be your companion!! (not exactly sure what a companion does...but i'll be a companion for ya! =D)

12. KATIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! =[ i should bus to you randomly one of these days. it's pretty quick actually =]

i hope you're able to go sleep now! =D

forever.

Cristina, he's leaving FOREVER.

if only you can be as strong as the statements you make. keep barking, it's all you got.

what pisses me off even more...

...is that you don't even know why i'm pissed.

you just think "oh, tia's just having another one of her fits."

first of all: fuck you.

second of all: fuck your life.

and finally, i'm fucking straight up. all the time. especially when i'm angry. you don't even have to ask me "what's wrong?" i'm already telling you how it is.

the problem isn't with me voicing what's wrong, the problem is you not listening. i don't know how else to tell it like it is other then...telling it how it fucking is. so fuck you for not getting it. it's nothing deeper than what i'm saying. just fucking listen to what i'm fucking saying. there's nothing fucking complicated about it, there's nothing deeper than it. i'm just fucking irritated and i'm at the end of my fucking rope, so when i DO snap, you better start listening or i will fucking cut you.

newly found motivation!

i'll stop fucking around.

i'll stop being cheap.

i'll stop pushing stuff off until it's too late.

i'll swallow my pride when i have to.

i'll think more.

i'll think critically.

i'll think deeply.

i won't let this chance slip my fingers.

i'll learn from my mistakes.

i can't fuck up.

i won't fuck up.

i will own this. >=]

familia.

i don't know why no one believes me when i say i never want to get married or have kids. i don't just say these things, i really mean them.

i have high expectations for parents. especially mothers.

i feel that to be a good mother, you have to be more selfless than selfish. it's impossible, not to mention unhealthy, to be completely selfless; but i still feel that you should put most of the needs of your children before yourself. for example, you should make sure your toddler has finished what they're eating before you can feed yourself.

i don't think i can ever be that selfless. although i do love and care for my younger siblings and nieces and nephews, i ultimately care for my needs first then realize that i have a kid to take care of later.

i know that you have to tend yourself first sometimes so that you are fit enough to care for someone else, but i don't have anything to tend to, but i still tend to my needs first before someone else.

i can't live knowing that someone like me has a kid.

i know there are a lot of worse parents out there; and my expectations might be a little high. but i can't control what other people do. but i can control my own body and decide for myself if i want children or not.

and since i'm so stubborn with this idea, i can't live knowing that i'm keeping another person from having children. it kinda follows the same idea, i'm not selfless enough to get married. marriage is all about compromise, and there are somethings that i'm not willing to compromise, and these aren't minor things, but major things that makes or breaks relationships.

i don't think i can ever live knowing that a man i love wants children, but respects me enough to not have children. if i really do love that man, then i don't know what i would do, because i don't know if i'll love him more than i love myself, same with children.

i'm only willing to get married or have children when i know that i am willing to sacrifice myself for them. and so far, i'm only willing to do that for family.

great expectations.

your expectations are really pissing me off.

quit disappointing yourself and just fuck it sometimes.

another boys post.

"Girls do not dress for boys. They dress for themselves, and of course, each other. If girls dressed for boys, they'd just walk around naked at all times." -Betsy Johnson

hehe. this quote was my status for a bit. :]

so...this brings up the topic of feminism (dundunduuuun).

one of the many pet peeves i have is when people think i'm "dressing up to impress someone." it's like i can never dress up to feel good about myself, or express myself. it's like i always have to think about what other think about me. i've recently started feeling the same about plastic surgery. if i feel that i want a smaller nose, why should any one else's opinion matter? (except the doctor's...) a lot of the time...it's not for attention, but because you feel that you have the right to your own body.

i mean...seriously, i don't go buying clothes thinking, "i wonder how many compliments i can get with this dress" or anything like that. and i honestly don't think anyone does.

like cute bras. people kept saying "why buy them if no one can see them?" well...first of all, i buy the bras i do because it's for ME. they aren't..."sexy" they're more cute and awesome (like my clothes :D) and i buy them because they make ME feel good. i don't buy them so that other people can enjoy them (although if other people do, it's no problem either =])

and also with make up. guys...really don't notice stuff like that. only other girls do. so when people think that girls put on make up to impress guys...they are DEAD wrong. when a girl has make up like THIS she is most definitely NOT doing it to impress guys but kind of to show off her skills.

guilt

it's eating me up inside.

but i still can't get it out.

it hurts my heart lots.

community

you can't help a community when you think you're above it.

in fact. you can't help a community at all. you can only give back to a community.

by thinking you're "helping" already means that you think you're above the community. you start to think that without your help the community can't thrive. without you, the community is just doomed for failure. without you, the community is worthless, it can't help itself. without you, the community is nothing.

but it's quite the opposite isn't it? no matter how or where you grow up, your community affects you, but it is up to you whether to let the community affect you negatively or positively. if it affects you negatively, you give negative energy back to the community, but if it affects you positively, shouldn't you return the favor?

which is why we should all build a community that gives positive energy, so that we can give it back. it's the golden rule "treat others as you would treat yourself" (yeah, we've been talking about the golden rule a lot, i know, but i think it deserves discussion, it IS the golden rule after all =])

if you set up an environment where nothing can grow, then it doesn't grow, it dies and decays. however, it's amazing what can become from nothing. (OMFG this just made me think of another topic, but i'll get to it another day: i shall stay focused >[)

so.

i completely lost my train of thought. wow. um. wow.

ok.

even if you come from a shitty community, if you're able to make something for yourself, it is your duty to go back to your origins and GIVE BACK to your community. because most of the time, it doesn't need your help, it just needs the extra boost to help itself.

see, i think that's the fact that some people think they're so above their origins that some communities do end up essentially dying. i don't think people realize that you aren't on your own when you "pull yourself from nothing," you're never alone even when you feel like you are. if you would just take a step back and stop looking at only yourself then maybe you will realize how much that "nothing" has really helped you, even if it is just showing you what you DON'T want to be.

you OWE it to your community for shaping who you are as a person. even though it may seem like your community has not helped you, it really has. it's nothing to be ashamed of, if you really accept yourself as a human being, then you would go back to give back.

also you are never above your community because you are never above another human being. no matter how much someone has fallen, it is not your place to hover above them, but to reach down to help them back up.

boys.

si. this is the boy post.

boys are as confusing as we think they are. you know why? because they're stupid. yeah, that's right. they is stupid. they is so stupid they confuse the hell outta us because they dun know what they want.

and that's why we get confused to. we dunno what we want. because we're stupid too.

we are all stupid.

that is why we is all confused about each other.

it isn't mixed or confusing signals. there's probably no signals at all. we just think there are because we're stupid, and we get confused because we're smart enough to realize that there's no signals but we're in too much denial to admit to it. that's what confuses us.

the grudge...or not.

i can't hold grudges...probably because i have such a short attention span =_=;;

Critique

haven't blogged in a while.

you know when teachers are always like, "constructive criticism only"? well believe that ALL criticism can be constructive, you just have to filter the criticism and find what is important in there to construct yourself. (does this even make sense?)

what i'm trying to say is, no matter what you do, there's gonna be someone that doesn't like what you are doing, and there's always going to be someone who does. but just because someone doesn't like your work doesn't make their opinion meaningless nor does someone liking your work mean that their opinion trumps all other crticisms.

basically, both criticisms are extremely bias; but that doesn't mean that they both don't hold any value.

if someone goes, "wtf, this shit sucks ass. what the hell were you thinking? this is just all wrong, you didn't put any thought into this, and you executed it all wrong" well, this may be a little harsh and very douchebaggy, but remember what i said at the beggining, FILTER. think about what this person actually did say other than "you fail at life," also reflect and think about yourself, "did i think this through? why did i do wrong in the execution of this?" some people are overly mean about some things, but it doesn't mean that they're wrong.

and the same goes for something like, "omg! this is so amazing! you're so talented! you should do more of this! this is perfect!" i personally think that it's harder to filter this kind of criticism, which is why i actually kind of hate it because 1. it feels super fake and 2. there's really no substance in it, if there's no problem, there's nothing to fix. but that's a lie. because there's always room for improvement, and this doesn't let you know what you need to work on. but, this kind of criticism is still valid because it shows you your strengths; which is something that most people are unaware of. sometimes when you get too much information, you sometimes need to be reminded of some constants in your life, like your talents or something.

i think there's two things about criticism that really get to me though, giving and recieving. you have to be able to recieve criticism well and be able to give good criticism. that means not sugar coating the hell out of it and not being a douchebag.

what pisses me off the most isn't people who GIVE bad, it's people who can't TAKE criticism. and not surprisingly, the people who can't take it well have NO idea that they can't. you know why? because they're so fucking full of themselves. they think that they're so correct and that they have everything done so perfectly that no one else matters, that the idea cannot be improved upon because it's already perfect, they only look for compliments, not criticism. and this is exactly why they piss me off, they have such a bad sense of reality that...they can't even admit it to themselves that they're wrong.

i think it's because they can't face themselves. like, they're afraid of what their going to see, they're afraid of their imperfections that are so visible to someone else's eyes. they want to be seen as perfect, or they just want to be seen. but there IS always room for improvement, so go ahead and put your all out there and show your imperfections, embrace the fact that they exist then change them.

you know what? when i'm an art teacher, i might start off my classes with this lecture, because a lot of people feel that when someone talks negatively about their art that the person is attacking them directly. and in a way, they are. art IS a way to express yourself, but there is a better way, or a more efficent way to show what you as who you are or make your statement be seen more clearly. when it all comes down to it, the technique is just as important as the statement, and if you want to be a successful artist, or even just an awesome person, you really have to be able to just put yourself out there, but love yourself enough to realize that you need to change. not only that but it gives you a chance to grow both artistically and mentally, it gives you a different perspective of yourself that you may not have noticed and although sometimes it may seem like you're being attacked directly (and in most cases, you will be because your art should reflect you) but you should open yourself to be attacked because you may not know what you are capable of.

damn youuuuu

talk to meeeeeeeeee

whoa, two posts in a day...i'm REALLY avoiding school work =/

Cycle of Poverty

I should really be paying attention in lecture, but this is bothering the hell out of me.

I remember in sophomore year in high school, I took a history class and we watched a video about poverty in the US and obviously it was one of those movies in history class that just makes you want to go out and kill someone because the whole world is so fucked up.

But anyway.

There was this one story about a lady named...Tammy? I'm just gonna say her name is Tammy. And she's like...POOR. She had four kids and she works at BURGER KING and she lives in a trailer and she has no teeth and EVERYTHING.

Well, one of her sons, I feel was a major douchebag. He's all like, "oh, I'm ashamed of my mom, she's always so scrubby looking. I try to look preppy and classy and I want to go to college" and I'm seriously just like, "Bitch, you better shut the fuck up talking about your mother like that, she walks 10 miles to work so that you CAN look all "preppy" and shit."

But as we were discussing the video in class afterwards, I specifically remember saying, "you know, if one of her boys would just get a job, she wouldn't have to work so hard." and the most surprising thing was what my TEACHER said right afterwards, "well, then that gets them sucked into the cycle of working instead of going to college"

WTF?

WTF???????????????????????

WTF???? How the hell is getting a part time job gonna stop that motherfucker from going to college?? We were sophomores and about 90% of the people in class had a part time job! And most of us were going to pursue a higher education degree! GETTING A MOTHERFUCKING PART TIME JOB WILL NOT DEFER YOU FROM GOING TO COLLEGE.

In fact, I think it better prepares you for college. If you can start managing your time in high school around a job and school and extracurricular activities, then in college where to work load is a lot harder and you have to fend for yourself, then you'll be better prepared. What, are your parents going to pay your rent until you get a degree and get a job? Are your parents going to come in every weekend and do your laundry? Are your parents going to come every night to make your dinner?

FUCK NO.

And if they are, YOU HAVE TO GET OFF YOUR LAZY ASS AND DO SOMETHING FOR YOURSELF.

Now, I know that some people just can't cook, I'm one of them. But I would never ask my mother or my father to cook for me EVERYDAY, or do my laundry or pay my rent. It's my responsibility and I need to take care of it myself.

I mean seriously, it pisses me off how much some people still rely on their parents. You are a grown ass motherfucking person and you need to start taking care of your own shit. And if your parents are doing some thing wrong...then you better get off your ass, stop complaining, and try to fix their mistakes; god knows that they did that for YOU your whole life.

Maybe that's the cause for the cycle of poverty, the dependence on the earlier generation, the pussyassness of the new generation. A lot of people complain about being poor and not being able to get out of the cycle of poverty; well, it is hard to get out of the cycle of poverty, but with some motherfuckers just sitting back and complaining about it...isn't going to do anything. People are going to have to sacrifice a shit ton of things in order to make any kind of progress, they are going to have to work their ass off in order to achieve what they want. If you can't even get that concept right, then fuck it, maybe you're meant to stay in the same place forever and you're meant to not make any progress.